There's something in me that doesn't want to say that my mother died two days ago. I know that if I bare open my soul on here I'll get no response, or even worse, I'll get an email saying "nice blog. please visit my website and buy things". Sometimes it's nice that no one reads my blog (not that I can complain when I don't tell anyone about it), because then I don't have to worry that what I write may offend someone or whatever, but there are times when writing diary entries that are basically private just isn't good enough. I don't want to talk right now except to people that aren't actually around. I miss my friend Katie who is working in Australia over the summer, I miss her a lot, because I don't have to get all emotional talking to her, which I really don't feel right now. People, I think, expect me to be distraught but for some reason I'm not. It was a relief when Mum died. She had been really sick, not herself, for the last few days and that was horrible. But now I just feel weird, like part of me is saying "you horrible heartless person" and another part is saying "you're just at peace and that's fine. Enjoy it while it lasts." It's very strange. It may be just because I know that life doesn't just stop, I really know that my Mum is in heaven, but then there are times when I find it very hard to imagine that. Obviously, no ear has heard, no eye has seen, etc etc what God has in store for those who love him... so it's hard to accept that Mum has really gone from this earth and that her body no longer holds Her. I wasn't there when she died, which may have helped, but I don't regret it.

The funeral is tomorrow and I think I may feel differently during and after that.

ding dong merrily on high

I am back from Dunedin today--not that I told you I was there to begin with. I stayed with my big sister and her husband and three kids. Compared to home, it was very noisy and chaotic but I had fun. It was such a relief to just leave home for five days and not have to face what's going on.

This is a photo I took of their front door which I thought looked nice and red and Christmassy. It's freezing in Dunedin, today it was absolutely pouring, and it's supposed to be summer, but apparently it was gross here too. Boring bus trip back up. When I went down, I was sitting next to a really nice Irish guy called Jay, from County Mead, who doesn't particularly like U2 and was friendly and chatty, and we got seats right at the front of the double decker bus, so had excellent views. This time, coming back, the bus ride was boring and dominated by teenagers a few years younger than me, who I am scornful of, still being very immature myself, and I didn't have to share my seat with anyone. Undoubtedly more comfortable but a lot less interesting.

Christmas is in two sleeps. I'm starting to get excited; I thought I had outgrown that, but I admit it here and now, I love Christmas like I love chocolate. My sister and I went through the Oxford Book of Carols last night, singing by the piano. There are some incredibly cool carols in there that I've never heard of before, from all over the world, some really old, some relatively new. It was just so nice to sing them with someone like Viv who also loves carols and feel happy that it was Christmas time and then drink coffee and eat chocolate and brazil nuts afterwards. Yum. Merry Christmas to anyone who may read this blog. I sincerely hope it's a good one.

honesty is the best policy

Thought for the day: I think many Christians have a big problem with honesty. We feel this need to perform, to present a happy, fulfilled and peaceful face to the world, as if by showing everyone how perfect we are, they'll want to become like us. I reckon that's the opposite of the truth. If we just told the truth, for once, that we are desperately screwed-up, doubting, foolish, weak, tired people rather than happy-clappy, iron-clad superhumans, I think we'd be a lot more attractive. Especially as everyone already knows we're not perfect. We'd get less comments about hypocrites in the church.

So I have resolved to be a person who doesn't have to put on this face to go to church. Some churches make me feel guilty for feeling unhappy. "What a beautiful day this is! Let's just praise and praise and praise the Lord!" (or something like that) I don't see why I should be expected to be perfectly peaceful and content with life as it is now. I firmly believe that my every desire and need is not going to be fulfilled on this earth. 'I still haven't found what I'm looking for.' Some people look at that perspective as if it's sacrilege but if we were just honest and admitted that we're not in heaven yet, there'd be a lot less depressed people who think they can't be Christians because they haven't managed to deceive themselves into thinking that everything's candy floss in their lives.

a long interval

Hello again. I realise I haven't been on here for ages. Just with Mum sick and everything, it's been kinda stressful and I don't really want to talk about or even write much. She's not too well, really, it's been horrible seeing her sick and it can only go downhill from here. Yeah. Well.

I haven't been working like most other uni students. It's probably part laziness, part that I can't find anything that suits travel/hours-wise, and part that I just don't need any more stress right now. It annoys me, however, that I meet people, say from uni or something who are all working their butts off, or people from elsewhere, and they ask me if I'm working--I say no, and you can see them pegging it down to pure laziness in their minds, which drives me INSANE, because it's not like I'm going to fish for sympathy off random people I hardly know and so I can't justify myself for bludging off the government. Oh well. I might be doing some busking after Christmas, I hope so anyway because that would be lots of fun! And I'll be doing some babysitting in January for my sister.

BIG NEWS, anyhow: I GOT U2 tickets!!!!!! Triumph. At last. Sweet victory. They are coming to Auckland, New Zealand on March 17 next year, supported by Kanye West (of all people). I thought I'd be ecstatic but I keep worrying that something will go wrong and I won't be able to use my ticket or something horrid like that. :( I got access to a presale, because my friend and I joined U2.com for precisely that purpose earlier this year! So there were no problems getting tickets! I am so lucky. Thank you God. The horrible thing about getting so worried about getting tickets (cos I was panicking I wouldn't be able to) is that I was thinking, can I pray to God for tickets? or will that kind of jinx it because I'm being materialistic? And I wanted them SO badly. But I was so happy to finally get them because I think it shows that God isn't like that, he doesn't mind if I get things sometimes that make me happy, especially at a time like this. So big fuzzies to God right now.