I melted

Watch out for 1:15. I feel a degree less cynical today because of this.

a question for the habitually single girls and for the girls who used to be habitually single

Warning - this post is so sickly that I know I will regret it in the morning.

So! I'm not in a relationship now, I haven't been in a relationship for years, and the only relationship (singular) I have ever been in is just too embarrassing to think about.

It doesn't freak me out or anything, I'm not ashamed of it, etc., etc.

However, I've always assumed things would change eventually. Maybe one day, in the near or distant future (I'm not too worried which), I'll meet someone whom I will fall madly in love with.

But I'm starting to worry that I have a heart of stone, or that I'm more in love with the idea of being in love than with any actual human being - ALL of whom annoy me or repulse me too much before I've even considered the idea of dating them, unless I work myself up into a frenzy of "maybe-I-have-a-crush-on-them" whenever they're not around. (Of course, as soon as I get in a 5 metre radius of them it becomes very clear that I'm not interested.)

Please tell me - does anyone else feel this way? Or those of you who have fallen in love, did you ever feel this way?

Attractive Male "Qualities"

I put qualities in quotation marks because in this blog post I am about to be incredibly shallow and list my top five things that are attractive about men on an obvious, non-psychological, non-meaningful surface level. :)



1) Voice. This is number one because basically no matter what someone looks like, they will be attractive fullstop if they have an attractive voice. (This is for me, at least.) Although I probably wouldn't insist on a great voice in a guy if it was the only thing wanting, there's something about a deep voice, or a British or Irish accent, or a charismatic voice, or a persuasive voice that makes me want to go "Ooh, please, please, can I have your babies??" ... only silently!
2) Eyes. Boring choice because this would be near the top of basically everyone's list. I always feel very sorry for those actors who always have to play the bad guys because even if they're dashingly handsome and attractively dangerous, they usually have scary slash nasty eyes and I'm not sure they'd be able to find a nice girl.
3) Smile. Again, probably a boring choice. I'd rather they weren't always grinning - it would make me feel so colourless and depressed. But if they occasionally let out a smile that transforms their face, it makes me intrigued. And, as everyone knows, people with nice smiles are ALWAYS trustworthy. (They really shouldn't let me travel.)


4) Hair, or lack thereof. Please don't look at the above picture as an example; I just chose it because it looks funny. But I do like dark hair, and I also don't mind a bald head occasionally. I'd rather guys shaved it all off than had a bald spot or - most tragic of all - a COMBOVER. Having said all that, I wouldn't repulse a blonde guy for no better reason than he didn't have dark hair, but it wouldn't occur to me to like him for quite a long time, probably.
5) Height. Okay, so not so extreme as that. But I'm a tall girl and I hate feeling like I'm dwarfing one of the male species. On the other hand, if I'm standing next to a very tall man, I feel agreeably petite. :)

Do you have a list of your own?

that's right - I am terrible at manipulating images

So when I find my Mr Firth and we settle down in a little stone cottage in Derbyshire with a border collie, and a library with entire walls of books and red leather armchairs, and a garden with clematis and wisteria and roses, and a gramophone, and we get down to the business of making babies - these are the names I like. I am advertising them here publicly so that I have effectively reserved them for myself - I know that my siblings read this blog occasionally and I live in fear of them exercising the privilege of actually being married and having kids and thus getting in first.

For boys:

Archer - I've always loved the nickname Archie but thought it had to derive from Archibald, but then I heard this use of it which is a cute nickname but also works as a grown-up name. This is my number one favourite and no one in the family is allowed to steal it. Nor close friends.

Toby

Harry - Okay, so he might be called Harry Potter sometimes. It's not as bad as it could be though. At least he's not Draco or something.

André

Cormac

(Middle name options: Theo, Zachary)

For girls:

Kezia - after the character in Katherine Mansfield stories.

Heather

Christa

Eva

Natalie

Elizabeth - this 'un will never go out of style.

Greta

Isobel

Ivy

Valerie

(Middle -even first- name options: Rose, Jane, Zoe, Olive, Elinor, Chloe, Felicity, Amelia, Joy)

Bible names I quite like

Boys: Jonathan, Amos, Asher, Eli, John, David, Daniel

Girls: Esther, Hannah, Elizabeth, Mary, Eve

And now, on to the names I dislike or cannot use (= you are allowed to use them). Disclaimer: if you gave your children one or more of these names, please do not be offended. It is merely my personal opinion, nothing more.

Names that are a bit boring even if slightly pretty

Boys: Thomas, William, Michael, Joshua, Ben

Girls: Hannah, Emily, Anne, Charlotte

Names I wish I could use but can't (feel free to poach them)

Boys:

Rochester - just too fussy and easily identifiable in literature. It would be like calling your son Heathcliff.

Crispin - cool, but even I have to admit, a bit silly.

Bono - Just Mean. Too fangirlish.

Boyd - ever since my friend named her cat Boyd.

Riley - ever since this became a girls' name too, and ever since my sister pointed out it rhymes with Kylie.

Darcy - again, Really Mean.

Frederick - a bit old-fashioned.

Felix - cool, but it sounds like a cat's name.

Alfie - a sweet nickname, but who wants to be called Alfred?

Anthony - everyone in NZ pronounces it wrong.

Girls:

Gwyneth - I think this is such a cool name but for obvious reasons it's too connected with a certain famous person.

Grace - pretty, and my middle name, but too popular.

Bijou - too foreign - the poor kid would always have to say and spell their name for people.

Clover - too hippie-sounding.

Ingrid - technically pretty, but it has always sounded like it belongs only to snobs.

Margaret - I love this but it's a little old-fashioned.

Raven - for obvious reasons.

Kate - because my brother got in first.

Virginia - again, obvious reasons.

Mercedes - damn you, car companies!

Hermione - too Harry Potter... what a shame...

Phoebe - too many people dislike this name.

Beatrix - too suddenly popular/cool

Austen - sounds like a boy's name and is just another example of me wishing I could project my obsessions onto my kids. I'd rather they liked Jane Austen than refused to read her out of principle.

Wendy - I love that J. M. Barrie made this up, but I have just known too many nasty Wendys.

Names I will never use even if you paid me

Boys:

Andrew - evil boy at my primary school.

Matthew - boring boring boring!

Kevin, Duane - obvious reasons.

Richard - if you have read Northanger Abbey or Persuasion, you will understand why.

Dylan - ugly ugly ugly!

Adolf - need I explain?

Stan - ick.

Boris - sounds like a member of the Ukrainian Mafia. Is also an ugly name.

Girls:

Catherine, Caroline, Rebecca - all: BORING!

Amaryllis - self-explanatory.

Kylie, Nicole, Angela - for some reason, I have always hated these names. They sound like the sort of names you might give your children if you never finished high school. I'm sorry to be elitist, but that is the honest truth.

Lola - destined to be a showgirl.

Maud, Eileen, Doris, etc - the worst of old-fashioned names.

Olga, Gertrude - ugly ugly! Along same lines as Boris.

Barbara - ick. Your child could have the nickname 'Barb', which sounds like 'Boob', or, even worse, Barbie.

the perfect man

I've decided to write myself a list of attributes that I would want in a boyfriend, as a reference, just in case I meet someone who is totally unsuitable for the role and yet is tempting in some weird way (which tends to be the pattern so far). This seems like such a girly thing to do and I sometimes feel silly being girly but I have decided I need to overcome my fear and write me a list!

Crucials: (in no particular order)

- Communication. There is no way I can be with someone that I'm unable to talk about most things openly with.

- Similar tastes. This doesn't mean he has to love Jane Austen and classical music (or my other interests), but it does mean he has to be able to tolerate them, preferably to enjoy them, and perhaps, every now and then, to say something intelligent about them. We would also have to enjoy ourselves in compatible ways; for example, I hate dancing and I don't like alcohol so it's not like I would put up with going clubbing every weekend.

- Capable of considered thinking. No doubt this is an elitist and snobbish thing to say, but he does have to have some education, or at least a natural intelligence. I don't like people who don't have reasons for why they think something, or who can't articulate those reasons. It's also probably unfeminist to admit this, but it's true - I don't think I could have a long-term relationship with someone whose mind I didn't respect. I would actually like to go out with someone who is smarter than me. All the same, they must enjoy lowbrow things and not make me feel anti-intellectual for watching a chick flick or reading an Agatha Christie/Georgette Heyer novel.

- Sense of humour. This is important. They must laugh at similar things to me. Even if my sense of humour sucks, I would prefer to share it with someone whose humour equally sucks than a comedic giant.

- Nice. As Bridget Jones would say, no 'alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional f***wits or freeloaders, perverts'. That is a much more detailed list than the one in my head, but I would hope that a boy I would go out with would not be racist or sexist or just mean to certain people.

- Christian. Last year I met someone who seemed perfect... except that he wasn't a Christian (and he was moving back to the States in a few weeks so it couldn't have worked anyway). I thought then that perhaps a shared belief wasn't so important. I still think it's not exactly a black and white issue - but I think for me PERSONALLY (the crucial word) a shared belief would be very, very important. I've had a couple of Christian friends who started going out with non-Christians, which was fine at first, but then as it got more serious, there was all this agonising involved that I would really like to spare myself.

- Attractiveness. I purposefully avoided the word 'good-looking' here because there are some men who could actually be described as ugly but are totally attractive. All I require is to not feel repulsed at the thought of touching them. On the other hand, I don't want someone who looks like a demigod because that would make me totally insecure and neurotic.

- Liked by my family. I cannot imagine dating someone my siblings hated or couldn't get along with. Because we are all very close, it would just seem so weird.

Important but I'm willing to compromise:

- Height and build. Because I'm a tall girl, I really don't want to go out with someone noticeably shorter than me. It just seems awkward to me. Likewise, I don't want to go out with a stick insect or I will feel like an elephant.

- Not completely opposed to children. If I liked the guy enough, this would not be the be-all-and-end-all; after all, I've got lots of nieces and nephews. But I think I would like to have kids one day and it would be nice if he could feel the same way if it got serious.

- Not overly sporty but likes the outdoors. I love travelling around and going on walks in the country and stuff... but by that I don't mean hardcore stuff. And if someone wanted me to do that with them - it would be a major turn-off.

- Ambition. I think this is probably the same of any woman - I don't want to go out with someone who is happy to spend his life working at McDonalds. I don't mean he has to want to earn millions or be famous or something. I just want someone who challenges themselves. On the other hand, too much ambition is definitely a bad thing. A friend used to go out with someone who had a plan to be a millionaire by the time they were thirty, which leads me on to my next point...

- Awareness of social responsibility. I don't want to be with someone who wants to store themselves up a little cache of riches, or who lives by the principle of 'who dies with the most toys wins'. I think it's a selfish and wrong attitude. I want to be with someone who is compassionate to people who are less fortunate or in trouble, and who wants to do something about it, and who can't justify living in a bubble.

Not very important but if it can be managed:

- British accent. :)

So there you have it. Let me know if you fill the criteria.