five things I would not say at a cocktail party

So I've been tagged by Stacy to make a list of five things I wouldn't say at a cocktail party. This took some careful thinking, especially as I have never been to a cocktail party and never even tried a cocktail. But here is what I have come up with.

1) I have a huge moral aversion to rock stars who smash their guitars. I'm sorry to say that I have seen the Edge at least kick his, on the Live at Boston DVD, which made me a little disappointed in him. My current musical theory is that music is not something you do, it's something you learn to... control, in a way. It's not from any especial skill of your own that you make harmonies work and sound waves travel through the air and seem pleasing. If you manage to harness the power of music in any small way that deserves some credit - but to take all the credit for yourself is something I am fiercely opposed to. It seems to me that when rock stars smash their guitars or light pianos on fire in music videos or take part in any other stupid and destructive actions against musical instruments, they are claiming that the guitar would be nothing without them, when really they would be nothing - NOTHING - without the guitar. Musical instruments are sacred.

2) One of my favourite TV shows is the Antiques Roadshow (British version). I love love love it! I love the funny old men with pince-nez who peer excitedly at some seventeenth century teacup as if it's the Holy Grail and I love it when people bring along some priceless Russian painted egg they bought as a bargain for seven hundred pounds that turned out to be made in a Novosibersk factory in 2001. I love it when someone finds out that the painting they have stored behind the washing machine for twenty years is a Rembrandt and how they go "Ooooooh!", especially when they're a little old lady. I love everything about it!

3) I recently wrote to my electoral representative to ask him to vote in parliament to take the drinking age up because I am sick of drunk people ruining their own lives and the lives of the people around them and drunk New Zealanders embarrassing us world over. He had sent every 18-19 year old in the electorate a letter to ask our opinion; without a strong response he would vote for it to stay at age 18, and not increase to 20. I am turning twenty tomorrow so whatever happens it won't affect me but as I can't stand the taste of alcohol except for bitters and kahlua, which you only take in small amounts anyway, it doesn't really matter. So stop drinking those silly cocktails. (Well, no, I'm not anti-alcohol-in-moderation, but I think the world would probably be a better place if it had never existed.)

4) I think board games are the coolest thing. Special favourites are Settlers of Catan, Pictionary, Absolute Balderdash, and Carcassonne, while Guess Who?, Tantrix, and Cluedo deserve special mention. I could spend hours playing board games. However, the only card games I like are Snap (because it allows some animation) and Scum. I hate chess because I can't be bothered learning to understand it, and poker is similarly unintelligible. I love politically incorrect games like (with my mum) playing Happy Families on her beautiful set of cards from the forties, with Mr Dose the doctor and Mr Plod the policeman and so on, or Old Maid, or (with my dad) Crush Adolf.

5) As mentioned a few days ago, I spent some time trying to figure out in which environments an extra syllable is added with the past simple regular suffix. I finally worked out it is when the final consonant of the verb is d or t (alveolar plosives), such as with 'started' and 'landed', as opposed to 'rushed' or 'maimed'. This is because the two consonants would be too phonetically similar to be in such close proximity and is an example of epenthesis (I think). But then I suddenly realised something else! With the present simple regular suffix, this happens also! Eg: 'finishes' or 'loses' or 'botches' or 'bludges' as opposed to 'runs', 'tries', 'loves'! Therefore, in this case, the syllable is added with alveolar and postalveolar fricatives, and postalveolar affricates!!! (I apologise from the bottom of my heart for inflicting this on you. You see, I have just sat a Phonetics and Phonology exam.)

So there you have it. I am a dork. I am unworthy to be at your cocktail party. Shoot me now.