I have to stop dreaming. Before anyone says, "but Allie! Follow your dreams! Reach for the stars! Believe in yourself!" - I don't mean that I'm going to stop wanting nice things to happen and working hard to make them happen.
What I mean is this: I hate the way I imagine things happening that I think would be so great. Ie, a common dream is dying heroically in some obscure but highly public way and everyone feeling awful for having treated me so badly while I lived. Once this occurs, I will sit in class or lie in bed for ages, dreaming up the exact words people will say at my funeral and trying to think how my tragic death could be possibly made even more guilt-ridden for them. I think everyone (at least, every female) dreams about this at a point, but I am certain I do it more than most people.
Or, I will think of silly little grievances I've stupidly held on to for years and imagine confronting the person and all the things I'd say and how I would look so great and they'd look so terrible. I always exhibit great skill in the way I manage to make it look like I'm a forgiving and humble person while making them feel terrible and look guilty and unfeeling.
Obviously, whenever I have a crush on someone, there is great scope for dreaming up little roleplays for us. But I'm not going to say anything in detail about that because I am aware how pathetic and stupid I would appear if I did. I merely think it would be dishonest to leave that fact out.
These last few days I have become very frustrated with myself over this. Besides dreaming being a time-waster to a very high degree, it is self-indulgent and embarrassing. I could blame it all on books and movies and so on but I don't think that's the case. I think fantasising is so ingrained in my personality that that's the reason I love novels so much. It may not be something that is a terrible sin, like Hitler's racism or any other major emotionally-charged faults. But it may very well be, as in Shakespeare's tragedies, my fatal flaw.
Just noticed - here I go again, comparing myself to Shakespeare's tragic heroes, of all people. Does this prove to you my lack of realism?
3 comments:
I don't think you're being too self-indulgent, really, because there are too many things that inevitably pop up in life that are never resolved. We naturally hate lack of closure, and we seek to create that closure for ourselves in the most satisfying way we possibly can. It may seem like obsessing, but in reality, it is more like a natural defense mechanism.
Allie, super post! very brave to come out and say it-i wouldn't have! I do not dream of dying heroically(only peacefully in my sleep), but do daydream of guys occasionally(DUH!) and of having closure for certain things in my past that I have not had closure for and it drives me insane knowing i probably never will!, but i've been better about not wasting my time with that. college keeps me quite busy/tired, therefore, when wanting to imagine a false reality, I end up falling asleep beforehand and forgetting whatever I wanted to think of. it's therapeutic to resolve something(never resolved in our past) by imagining what you would say/do now or have done in the past/how you would have fixed it or prevented it or the new better outcome. though, one may need to repeat this imagining often, trying to heal the hurt there-i know i do. writing an essay about it, or a post, may be the best thing, to get outside opinions or support or coming clean.
In fact, this has reminded me of things in my past that i could write about in a future post to help make amends with it. yah, i'm gonna go write some things down and write about them on my site sometime. thanks for that inspiration.
and.....excellent photo!!!
i think every reader and writer suffers from over-fantasizing. look at it this way, if ur good at fantasizing ur good at writing stories lol. hmm i don't plan my funeral, cos its not like im gonna b there for it.. i dont want people to appreciate me when im gone, that wouldnt do me any good! i want them to appreciate me while im still here. but i'm always fantasizing about how im gonna die and what my last words will be. i think there's good and bad to fantasizing, depending on what you fantasize about. funny, i've been learning alot in the past few days how not to fantasize about umm lets just say something that i really shouldn't be thinking about. SO flippin hard, but WWJD? argh. Layling, think of something else.
and i really should be studying.
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