capital capital

[see above] I couldn't think of anything to put in the subject heading and so I've quoted Sir William Lucas from Pride and Prejudice. :)

I got a headache and a really sore throat last night so I was lying in bed panicking, thinking I had meningitis or something, wondering if I should tell someone or if I was just being paranoid. Turns out: just being paranoid. I've never really done that before; one of my friends used to do it all the time. She'd be like: "I have a headache! Oh NO I've got a brain tumour!" I wonder if I'm becoming more highly strung as I get older and she's chilling out...

It's my 19th BIRTHDAY tomorrow! It's kind of depressing that I don't get so excited about them as I used to, I guess, but it's also quite nice that I can just relax. Well, relatively relax, I have an exam the day after. Sigh. :( But I'm meeting up with friends at a really nice cafe in the afternoon, have said no presents, don't mind if people can't come... etc etc --> I'm getting very mature. It's turning out to be a bit bigger than I expected - I invited about 27 people and a lot of them can come. Hmmm. I wonder if I should try and book a table(s). Mum and Dad have ordered a big cheesecake there for us to share, which is really nice. Hope it goes well.

here I am again

... for the third time tonight. I just don't know what's come over me. :)

Two things:

The first is this: go visit the website some other hopeful authors and I have made! We accept outside submissions...! You know you want to...! It's under my official links, but I'll put a link on this post as well: www.halfwaydownthestairs.net It is an e-zine of fiction, poetry and non-fiction... in the words of Mr Cliche, there's something for everyone.

Second thing: I've been missing my school hymn at the moment. These are the words. It is to the tune of the slow bit from Finlandia, by Sibelius (one of my favourite classical pieces):

We rest on Thee, our Shield and our Defender,
We got not forth alone against the foe,
Strong in Thy strength, safe in Thy keeping tender,
We rest on Thee, and in Thy name we go.

Yes, in Thy name, O Captain of Salvation!
In Thy dear name, all other names above!
Jesus our Righteousness, our sure Foundation,
Our Prince of Glory, and our King of Love.

We go in faith, our own great weakness feeling,
And needing more each day Thy grace to know,
Yet from our hearts, a song of triumph pealing,
We rest on Thee, and in Thy name we go.

We rest on Thee, our Shield and our Defender,
Thine is the battle, Thine shall be the praise,
When passing through the gates of pearly splendour,
Victors, we rest with Thee through endless days.

stats

When one looks up the following words on the blogspot blog search, one finds the following amount of blogs that mention these words:

U2: 191,004
Austen: 21,541
U2 Austen: 112 (and my posts made up a large percentage of these)
Colin Firth: 7,927

I wonder if U2 will have the same sort of amount of hits as Jane Austen in 200 years time, even though they have more? Something in me doubts it. That's the problem with electronica. There's something so perfect, so lasting, so permanent in a book.

This is an excerpt that interested me, from the Bono on Bono book:

Essence has to manifest itself. It's inevitable. Love has to become an
action or something concrete. It would have to happen. There must be an
incarnation. Love must be made flesh.

Just in case that's illegal, I will cite this for you... in a very tentatively professional way-- Assayas, Michka (ed.), Bono on Bono (London, 2005, Hodder and Stoughton), p.125

Sorry about how random this post is. I'm having an enjoyable evening rambling around doing nothing of importance.

people are nice

It's really lovely how when people know that times are a bit rough for you, they're extra nice. I guess I could take it in a very bad way if I was bitter. But I'm not; people are being very nice to me, and thoughtful, and I'm really appreciative of it. Today two of my friends from Navs (the uni Christian group I'm a member of) turned up at home, carrying a huge yummy roast chicken--it's delicious! The other day my friend Natalie rang up and said that a few of them are going to pool resources and take me out for lunch for my birthday present. The family has been great, Rachel made me a birthday cake because she thought it was sad I had to make my own. Felicity took me out for lunch and cafes and stuff several times. It's definitely not just GIVING me stuff, too; people have been really nice in general.

I had my first exam today, it actually went pretty well. So I'm feeling quite good about it. I was worried that if I'm not be able to get an aegrotat I'd completely bomb out, but I don't think I have. It also feels good to be able to make a good effort and do allright despite probably getting an aegrotat--I don't feel conscience-stricken.

grrr study

I'm finding it very hard to study right now. Of course, a major reason is that study is simply very boring. Another: I can't concentrate much because of Mum. Another: I think I'll be able to get an aegrotat so it's hard to motivate myself. But I know that I'd be annoyed with myself if I didn't try hard to do well etc etc.

My sister gave me a gorgeous necklace for my birthday. It's a big round paua pendant (paua is a shell you find in New Zealand that is bright blueish and kind of shiny and swirly, like how petrol goes when it drips on the ground), with black beads. It's really nice, I wore it properly last night for the first time and I love it! It's v cool.

I'm so annoyed, I lost my Coldplay X & Y CD. I have no idea where it is. I still have the case! Last time I remember listening to it, I put it in the stereo in the lounge while I was cooking something, and from then on, I haven't seen it. I really miss it. Luckily I taped it, for driving in the car, so if I'm desperate I can always listen to that.

hmm

I found out yesterday that my mother is probably/almost certainly going to die in the near future.

I do not want to talk about it
I do not want to confront it
I do not want to think about it

Quite yet, anyway.

A lot of my immediate family have turned up this weekend from elsewhere in the country which has been great. It was two of my sisters who actually told me about It. They thought no one had told me how serious It was (they were right) and that I needed to know. My brother is coming next weekend from Malaysia. My sister was coming from Australia in 3 weeks anyway, but she will probably end up coming earlier. So I suppose that's nice, although a little depressing.

This is definitely not a time for study. If I don't get that aegrotat I'll be screwed. But I don't really care. Three and a half days till my first exam, and I've only done half my notes. A week till my birthday; happy birthday to me.

God is good

He actually is. When I got home yesterday, I found a package waiting for me -- I had won a competition with the local newspaper and I am now the owner of a big book of photos of my region, Canterbury. It's a beautiful book, and the thing that made me enter was that some of the sample photos they showed in the review of it were of the very same things I took photos of when I went on my road trip with Eva in the Easter holidays. The one time I win something, it's when I'm feeling really really down and need to be cheered up, which makes me think that God had something to do with it and maybe there isn't such a thing as luck and chance.

This photo here is one of the photos I took on our trip that is featured in the book -- well, the little hut is, not MY photo in particular. That was an incredible day, we went to Mount Cook, which was so much more amazing than I had expected, not having seen it for about ten years. On the way back, there was the most beautiful late afternoon light, and we stopped and took this photo on the side of the road.

heave a sigh

I am hating study. I'm finding it really hard to concentrate on it, what with Mum being sick and everything (she had to go into hospital again yesterday), and then there's just the fact that it's boring. I'm going to apply for an aegrotat for my first exam, but you have to actually DO it first, and I'm not sure if I'll get it, so I still have to study hard. I would anyway; it would be silly not to try.

I had a pretty good day yesterday considering. I went to see the new Pride and Prejudice movie. Didn't really like it in comparison to the book and the BBC version. They tried to make it too moody and emotional, it moved too fast which meant it wasn't believable really, and they made the Bennets look quite poor, in a totally run-down manor, which I just couldn't fit into the Jane Austen squares in my head. My friends liked it, and accused me of being biased. Of course I am. I did think that Mr Collins was good, and Mr Bingley, but Mr Bennet was terrible -- they missed the whole POINT of his character, in my opinion. And they totally misinterpreted some characters such as Georgiana Darcy. I thought Mr Darcy and Elizabeth were okay, but just not as good as the previous ones. I don't think anyone could play it as well as Colin Firth. Matthew MacFadyen lacked subtlety, in my humble opinion. He mistook 'proud' for 'wooden' too much. So yeah, that's my opinion. It was only the genius of Jane Austen that had to come through somewhere that made it tolerable for me.

Then in the evening I went round to someone from my small group's house for dinner, with the rest of the small group. Fantastic food! Annette is a marvel. I don't know how she does it. Then we all did Singstar, which was fun fun fun. I wasn't really in the mood for it all, but it was nice to be distracted.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend, which does not bode well for my study, because Viv and Greg + kids are coming up from Dunedin, and Felicity and Mike are coming down from Auckland (and Rachel and Tony are already here!). I think it's mainly to see Mum, but I'll be so happy to see them again. I miss my sisters and brothers a lot at the moment.

i hate exams

Now that my lovely blob weekend is over, I'm having trouble getting into study--how surprising. It is SO boring. The problem is that my first exam, which is in about nine days, is going to be a complete nightmare - eight essays, two of which will be quite in-depth, and no hints on topics, which means we have to study the whole blimming topic and not just skim over it (American History). The exam for Shakespeare will be much better, I think, but that's scary too because I haven't read Henry V yet, and I keep putting it off. It's a bit odd how the more I panic about something, the more I ignore doing the preparation for it. I guess I don't want to admit how much work I have to do, because then I'd have to actually DO it. :)

Two of my sisters emailed me yesterday asking me how I was, what with Mum and everything. One even offered to fly me up to Auckland after exams for a bit of a holiday with her, and her husband. I'm actually fine, I think, but I really appreciated that they emailed me. I love my family. Can't wait for Christmas, when they're almost all coming back, and the only one who isn't is visiting in November.

My school friends and I had another prayer meeting last night, at Marielle's house. We've started having one every Monday. They're so fantastic, calming, etc... also means we get to see each other outside of birthday parties, and we hear everything that's going on, which is very nice. But it was just so great praying with everyone-- encouraging, peaceful, all that stuff... It's after times like that when I really don't get why some people don't think they could ever become Christians - you know, the type of people who go, "well, it's great you've found something to live for, and you've found your truth, but it's just not for me." Tosh. (Tosh is a great word!) It's for everyone. That's the coolest part. Or one of the coolest parts. Anyway, I just don't think people realise the contradictions they live under. The idea that truth is not absolute, that anything you believe is a truth is the scariest idea. And as soon as someone robs them or rapes their daughter, they're shouting for justice. It doesn't make sense, they say things because they like the sound of them, and then, at the times when they are being most true to themselves, they contradict things they've previously said. I also think karma is a scary thing. Sure, I believe that when someone does something, good or bad, they will generally get some sort of compensation or punishment for it, eventually. However, the reasoning that this is entirely a good thing escapes me. You've got to be entirely convinced of your own perfection to believe that and think it's a good thing... and I am so not perfect. I wonder if I wasn't under grace, what things would come round to me in the future? I shudder to think of it. Eugh. That's why I love the U2 song called Grace. She travels outside of karma ... grace makes beauty out of ugly things ... I love those words.

Another U2 song I love that I've only discovered recently... Wake Up Dead Man. And Running to Stand Still, and 40, and that one on The Joshua Tree whose name I can't remember right now that talks about the hands of love. :) Whenever I ask myself what U2 song I like the best, I can't quite decide. It's different with Jane Austen, Persuasion is definitely my favourite novel of hers, although obviously I love all the others. But I think if I had to choose five or so U2 songs, they'd probably be: All I Want Is You, Desire, One, Bad and In A Little While (yup, the slow ones mostly, I'm sorry to say!). The only song that I would be REALLY disappointed not to see live in concert is Where the Streets Have No Name. But once I've chosen those five favourites, all the others kind of blur. If I think of one over another, I feel guilty. There's ones like Pride that I just think are so classic, so amazing musically, so different. That chorus is just so different to anything else that's around, in its chords and its majorness and everything... if that's understandable. Then I think about the less famous ones like Numb or Discotheque that are just so cool. They're so surprising, they sneak up on you before you realise how cool they are. I love the Rattle and Hum movie. Apparently a lot of people hated it, the band included, but I love it a lot because it's so cool to see U2 back in the day when they weren't quite yet this fully established, mega-band that I've only recently come to love. I had only seen the Elevation tour on DVD before I saw Rattle and Hum. The energy's still there now, but I think having seen something of them in the 80's, I can now understand them a bit better now. Especially Adam.

Anyway I'm going to stop waffling and go and do some study. Sigh. I read in the Bono on Bono book, this weekend, that Bono was going to do an English and History degree like me, but got kicked out of uni for some reason two weeks into the course. So I guess I'd better take advantage of my education... :) I feel responsible.

another party

My gosh I am an exciting person. Last time I posted on here I had just been to a party and this time too : this afternoon I went to my nephew's fifth b'day party. :) How fun. I got to eat little kid food like cheerios on toothpicks, cheezels, skewered strawberries/marshmallows, and triangles of bread with hundreds and thousands on them; I even got a goodie bag at the end (granted, it was only because one little kid didn't turn up!). So very exciting. Poor little Alex was rather tired or over-excited though because he was VERY irritable, ditto with his big brother. They fought over everything. The lolly scramble was a shambles because almost all the little kids complained that some people had more lollies than others (which I thought was kinda silly when the whole point of a lolly scramble is that it's every man for himself), but there was one very sweet little boy who calmly gave every other complaining boy one of his own lollies until he only had about two left.

Alex got some really cool presents. One of them was these dinosaur bones encased in plaster, and you have to dig them out so you can make the dinosaur! So cool. I always wanted to be an archaeologist. Another present was a cheap camera with a film; that would have been my dream present when I was a kid. I gave him this voice distorter which I thought looked really fun--and it was, but just really loud and high-pitched, with heaps of background static, so I hope my sister and her husband still like me now. :)

My mum has just been in hospital for a couple of nights which hasn't been nice, exactly, but she's back home now, and seems pretty good. It wasn't anything majorly dangerous, but the issue is what could be causing it. (She's had cancer for the last five or so years, with it coming back lots of times, although most of the treatment has been pretty successful. So whenever something's weird with her, they need to check it out pretty thoroughly.)

I'm having a lovely blob weekend. Uni has finished for the year -- apart from exams, of course. I handed in two essays on Thursday and Friday, and there was NO way I was going to get straight into studying. I'm trying not to think about it, actually. The depressing thing is, as soon as exams are over, I'm going to have to get a job. Sigh. I went round town and a few malls dropping off my CV at various places yesterday, actually. I hope I can get something that isn't too many hours because most of my family is coming back to Christchurch for Christmas and I don't want to be working my butt off while they have fun. Anyway, wish me luck.

party party party

I went to a fiftieth birthday party last night; it was fantastic. Had such a great time! It was for a guy from my church, and a lot of Samoans from my church were there also; they started up a big Samoan dance, and it was velly fun. It was hilarious watching the rather tough (but secretly sweet) guy whose birthday it was (he is a prison warden, an ambulance driver, and a sheep shearer) dancing island-style with a lei around his neck. :)

I'm feeling a little anxious about work and study and everything; I have two essays due this week, on Thursday and Friday, and exams start pretty soon--my first is on the 26th. It's weird, both of the essays this time I'm writing on women issues, which I usually find really boring and overdone, but I'm finding them really interesting this time. Granted, they're both set a few years back in history (one in Shakespearean society, to do with Othello, and one in 1920-1940 in USA), which is probably the reason. I get so hacked off with feminists today who make everything a big deal. Someone told me that in a textbook he has, someone says that the words "broadcaster" and "master copy" are sexist terms, on a par with terrible words such as "chairman" and "mankind". Puh-lease. Get a grip. Life's too short. I think the really extreme feminists must think everyone else is always thinking about them and how they can most insult them. THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU, YOU STUPID FEMINIST LADY.

Having said that, I consider myself a feminist in a moderate sense. I am quite happy to use the terms "master copy" and "chairman" because I personally do not invest any sexist meaning in them. But I very often think that men are very silly, and that women come off a lot better in history. Look at some of the most important characters in the history of Christianity: King David, Peter, Moses. All of them made pretty huge mistakes at points. Compare that with Esther, Ruth, Mary. Of course everyone makes mistakes. But some of these people made them on a much grander scale than women. :) I take great pride in that.

Flanders and Swann

...are the best. I listened to both records my family own last night, back to back. It was so nice, after having a hard day, working flat out studying. They are so amusing. And every time I listen, I get a new joke, despite having been brought up on them and listening to the same shows x number of times.

For all you heathens, Flanders and Swann are British comedians from the 50s. They wrote a lot of songs that are fantastic - Swann was a great pianist/composer and Flanders wrote the words - and they also did a kind of stand-up comedy, well, Flanders did. They're very British, very 1950s, but I love them. :) When we learnt about the first and second laws of thermodynamics in Biology, I didn't bother listening because I knew it all already - from them. It's scary as well, the more I learn at uni, the more I see what it was they were talking about - they make plenty of references to Shakespeare (Flanders calls Swann 'Caliban' at one point, for example) and history. So that's all very exciting. Shows how useful a university education can be!