Sunday, February 17, 2008

a contradictory me

I like to consider myself a reasonable person but have begun noticing a whole lot of inconsistencies in me, which are:

1) I want to challenge myself and become a better, more interesting person by forcing myself to be outgoing and adventurous. However, the moment I get the chance to do so, I freak out entirely and the same old same old seems so much safer. Example: I recently came to the agonising decision that I wanted to look for a new church. Decision made, now is the time for action. Have I acted? N. O.

2) I want to travel everywhere but I love my home and I miss it and crave it whenever I go away for a significant period of time. Example: by the time I came to the end of my stay in Perth, I couldn't wait to get home and almost disliked Perth. Flies, ridiculous heat, no rain, not fitting in with all the Peroxide Barbie inhabitants. Now I'm home, and I have been for a couple of months, and I've started thinking about some of the nicer things in Perth that I will miss. Gelato ice cream at Cottesloe Beach, the Swan river, the Cottesloe tea shop, the great church I attended there, not least my niece Ruby.

3) I want to travel here (Iceland):
just as much as I want to travel here (Dead Vlei, Namibia):

4) I miss having all my brothers and sisters around... but I really love not having to fight for the shower, or who gets to finish the Whittakers Hazelnut chocolate, or what TV show I'll watch.

5) My Big Dream is to be an author, but it's scary and hard work and sometimes I wonder if I believe in myself enough. I think I do - but I want to be convinced of it when I already am convinced of it.

6) This year I'll be doing Honours for History at uni. I am so glad to be leaving English behind me - the essays I write because I know they'll get me good marks, not because I believe them; the lecturers who think they are so superior to the rest of the population (not all the lecturers, I hasten to point out); and especially the constant snarky little comments about Christians or God by either the lecturers or the other students. All the same, I'll miss not being kept constantly on my toes. There's something invigorating about not-quite-persecution.

7) I want to earn money and spend money and save money and give away money - but I don't want to work. At all. I start again this week and am not looking forward to it.

Anyone else?


E. said...

"Anyone else?"

Oh, absolutely---this is where good old Walt Whitman comes in:

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)"

Lately I find myself nothing but a contradiction. Most often, that's frustrating. In the end, though, I wouldn't want it any other way. I like to keep life a little mysterious. :)

~Virginia~ said...

I think we all have inconsistencies. I get all fired up with anticipation and promises of action, but always fall short of actually following through...sigh. :)

Stacy said...

Great post. Mind if I copy you and do an inconsistency post of my own?