a secret no more

I am a  Sort-of Modern Girl. Although the idea of getting married isn't all bad and I'd like to get married one day, I'm not hanging out for it and I don't think I'd mind staying single. Really! It's true! Please believe me, despite what I'm about to tell you!

I have a THING for collecting walking-up-the-aisle music.

It started when a friend of mine got engaged and asked me if I knew good wedding music. I went home, spent a whole afternoon and evening listening to music, and made her a mix CD. Of course, it turned out she didn't want classical music (a standpoint I simply can't understand), least of all the sort of music I recommended, which were definitely not the traditional wedding songs. She ended up unable to find a modern walking-up-the-aisle song, and fell back on Pachelbel's "Canon in D". Now, I am not saying there is anything wrong with "Canon in D", or "Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring" or "Trumpet Voluntary" or any of the other standard wedding songs; in fact, I think they're beautiful and appropriate, but I've just heard them so many times at weddings, and I want to be a little more creative in my choice.

Then another friend got engaged, and soon after I was hooked on collecting wedding music. I now have a playlist on my iPod of possible wedding music. Some of it more possible, some of it less so. I justify it by saying it's for friends. But I know if I get engaged, ever, the choice of music for walking up the aisle will be just about the most important decision to do with the ceremony, in my eyes. And woe betide the fiance who gets in my way!!

So here is my list of ideas for slightly original wedding music.

Classical

Symphony No. 3 in C Minor, by Saint-Saens. [the first few minutes] You're going to have to have a BIG personality, or at the very least a big cathedral to pull this one off. Okay, so it's a bit OTT for a wedding - and I don't blame my friends for turning down this option - but something in me WISHES I could walk up the aisle to music like this. Maybe if I marry Prince William like I intended when I was nine.

Nimrod, by Elgar. This is an absolutely gorgeous piece of music with a perfect crescendo, I think, building up to what could easily be the entrance of the bride. It has slightly bittersweet overtones, but not too much so - easily could be interpreted joyously.

Ode to St. Cecilia's Day, by Handel. This is a lovely, lovely, happy piece that my recorder ensemble used to play. Definitely in keeping with the wedding vibe, but not especially well-known.

Madrigal, from Romeo and Juliet, by Prokofiev. Dreamy, pretty, romantic... Creating exactly the right sort of feeling, I think. A charming little flute part at the beginning that would be perfect for the flowergirls walking in, then building up with the bridesmaids and the bride.

Rhapsody on a Theme by Paganini, by Rachmaninoff. I can't claim this to be my own idea, as my sister used it for walking up the aisle at her own wedding, but I remember thinking it was a lovely, classy choice. The only thing that's necessary, I think, is a reasonable-sized wedding party, or the gaps between bridesmaids and bride may be too long, as it builds so beautifully towards the bride's entrance, and you can't really cut it off early.

Wedding Day at Troldhaugen, by Grieg. Obviously not my idea, given the title, and it so happens that another sister walked up the aisle to this (as did I, as I was her bridesmaid). We only played the last section of it, about two and a half minutes, which was sectioned perfectly for our bridal party - one flowergirl, three bridesmaids, and then the dramatic entry of the bride. I would recommend this one more highly than any of the others, because it is an AWESOME piece of music, unusual enough not to bore people, but totally suited to a wedding. Some people dislike it because it's not quite as dignified (or dull?) as some wedding music, but I love it!

Bist du bei mir, by Stolzel. This is a gorgeous song for voice and keyboard accompaniment, and is not unusual at weddings. My suggestion to make it your own is to have piano or organ accompaniment, with an alto recorder on the tune. I know, I know, you've never heard a recorder played pleasantly. Honestly, an alto recorder is perfect for this song, and if you will pay my flights and accomodation, I'll come and show you!! Otherwise, find a good recorder player, and they will show you.

Finlandia, by Sibelius. Okay, so not the whole thing - that would be incredibly inappropriate. However, if you have a pipe organ in the church you're using, I once heard a pipe organ version of this song which I thought would totally fit the occasion. Start from about 3:30 in, and go up to the point at which the famous hymn tune begins. A grand wedding march!

Rustle of Spring, by Sinding. This is a beautiful piano piece, evocative of spring and happiness! Another piece with a fantastic build-up towards the entrance of the bride.

Cello Suite #1 in G, by Bach. This would be an amazing and VERY classy entry. My only concern is that it's slightly sombre, but although it wouldn't work for everyone, I think some people it would suit precisely.

Fantasia on Greensleeves, by Leonard Bernstein. The beginning section of this is atmospheric, romantic, and would create a really special feeling as the bride walked the aisle, I think. Almost like she was walking on air.

Non-Classical

So I don't really approve of walking up the aisle to modern music... but because you're my friend, and if you absolutely INSIST on it, here's some ideas for some modern instrumental music - mostly from films, funnily enough - that wouldn't be completely horrible.

Message to my Girl, played by Carl Doy. [instrumental version of the Split Enz song]

Forrest Gump theme.

Pepinot, from the film "Les Choristes". Gorgeous song.

PM's Love Theme, from "Love Actually". A little OTT but if you're into that...

Maggie and Finn, from "Waking Ned Devine". Celtic feel - lovely.

Bridge over Troubled Water. I have an instrumental version of this played on piano by Karel Roessingh which wouldn't be bad.

And one vocal song which actually would be kind of lovely: Fix You, Coldplay

My Secret Weapon

Finally, The Song that I want to walk up the aisle to. It is a close call with "Wedding Day at Troldhaugen", but at least Troldhaugen is specifically a wedding song and if someone else uses it, I can still use it. This song, however, is not a traditional wedding song, and I do not tell my friends about it, in case they steal it. I feel about it similarly to how you'd feel if your best friend or sibling used the name you've been holding on to since you were ten for their child.

However, my siblings are all married now, and my face-to-face friends don't read this blog, and so I am going to break my silence. Drum roll, please.

Romance, from The Gadfly, by Shostakovich. Not all interpretations of this work for weddings, but I have a recording of it which is probably on iTunes everywhere - the artists on this version are Tamsin Little and Piers Lane. It is the most beautiful piece of violin music I have ever heard, with piano accompaniment. It is the perfect timing for a walk up the aisle - about three minutes. It crescendoes perfectly. I can't say enough good things about it.

So there you have it. My secret is yours. Use it well.

buy me!

I have a weakness for good advertising. There's so much shoddiness out there when it comes to ads that if a really good one comes along (and isn't played too often) - I get happy! And I want to buy things! May this encourage you, advertising magnates, to be more creative, feel-good and funny. Anyway, I thought I'd share a few of my favourite NZ ads with you.

This is one of my favourites ever, from a few years ago, and - I am absolutely certain - is voiced by Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords, before he got well-known. It advertises L&P, New Zealand's very own soft drink. Please don't be put off by the exceedingly well-chosen picture for the video:

Possibly one of my favourites at the moment, this is advertising a promotion for Cup-of-Soup:

This is one of a series of ads for Instant Kiwi. To tell the truth, I don't know exactly what this has to do with Instant Kiwi (lotto tickets), but it never fails to make me smile:

This is a slightly older ad, but I've always remembered it because I thought it was so sweet:

Deathbeds - so much potential for advertising, it would seem:

What are your favourite commercials?

mall etiquette

It has been really miserable weather here in Christchurch for the last, oh, two weeks [substitute "what feels like eternity"], except for a few days of spring-like sunshine and warmth, which I think made it even worse - just as you begin to defrost a little and to think that maybe this will last, BOOM! back comes the rain, the sleet, the hail, the rain and more rain. We've even had snow but it didn't settle on the waterlogged ground.

Last year this was all kind of fun, because I was living at home with my dad, with (a) zero appreciation of power bills, (b) heated towel rails and such-like, (c) a new-ish house, (d) a clothes dryer, and (e) a car. This year, I have none of the above. My flatmates and I even have rules about not using heaters and so on. I have discovered that freezing cold living quarters are not all that bad if you dress up warm, but no matter how many items of clothing you are wearing, it is impossible to be comfortable if you have cold hands and feet. Fingerless gloves have made studying a whole lot easier, but my feet are ALWAYS COLD.

So, despite the horrific weather today, I went to the mall, for the purpose of investing in WARM SOCKS. My umbrella broke on the way, my jeans got soaked up to the shins, but I no longer have cold feet. I also have very cute feet because this time I didn't get boring black socks.

It turns out that half of Christchurch was at Riccarton Mall today - or so it seemed. And this brings me (in a very circuitous way) to the main point of this blog post:

MALL ETIQUETTE

1) Walking through the mall.

A brisk yet measured walk should be the order of the day. If you are stopping as you go to gaze at shop displays, keep to the left. However, if you are wandering aimlessly through the mall simply because it is heated and you had nothing else to do, it is polite to either keep out of other people's way, or to walk at a more bearable pace for the people behind you. Exceptions will be made for the elderly or those with impediments such as crutches, which brings us to another rule of etiquette: be patient in cases where a slow walk really cannot be helped.

If you are one of a gaggle of teenage girls, try to remember not to walk five- or six-abreast. You are giving your age group a bad reputation.

If you are a teenage boy, repeat this mantra: "Be civilised. Be civilised." Do NOT start beating up another random kid with your friends (as I was unlucky enough to witness). It's not impressive, and the mall, which is not the bad part of town on a Saturday night, is not the ideal location for you to go all Stone Age.

2) The clothes stores.

When I was wandering round the women's clothes department at Farmers today, I became what is termed "boxed in" in dancing and shopping terminology. This simple diagram may explain my predicament.

  X              O              X

 O            ALLIE       O

  X            O               X

[Where X = shopper and O = clothing stand.]

If you are shopping - please! Look out for potential "Allie"s. Don't fence them in. Remember, to them, you are just another shopper, and if you don't listen to "excuse me"s and continue to get in their way, they may take out their frustration on you. Instead, pull aside - perhaps with an apologetic smile - and let them out.

3) The changing rooms.

When it's a busy day, and there is a line of shoppers waiting at the changing rooms entrance, do not - I repeat - do NOT walk in, blithely ignoring the "Limit 4 garments" sign, and proceed to sit your boyfriend/girlfriends outside your door, subjecting each of the 12 items you are trying on to a detailed analysis in front of the mirror at the end of the hall. When you are finished with your garments, hang them on the rack that has been left there for that purpose - do NOT leave them lying all over the changing room so that the next customer has to either hang them up or walk all over them.

So! Hopefully that has all been cleared up, and now we can all actually enjoy the mall.

writer's block

I have been trying to think of something to write about for what feels like ages now, so that you no longer have to look at bright blue and pink cupcakes every time you open this page. Unfortunately, I'm slowly falling into the state of mind I fell into last year when I first started getting into my research - being unable to think about any ideas beyond the very beginning of them, unless they are somehow related to my study. So the blog post today is a blog post of fragments:

- I have just been reading a speech that was read at the Second National Congress of Peace and Friendship with the U.S.S.R., in London, 1937. The speaker was Mr. Dingle Foot. Perchance the funniest name ever?

- On Monday I am meeting the Prime Minister of New Zealand. I didn't vote for his party and I would prefer it to be the former PM, but still - it's kind of exciting!

- My two-year-old niece is in love with Jeff, from the Wiggles. If you haven't come across this children's entertainment group, well, don't go rushing to buy a DVD. However, she loves them, and especially Jeff, who is always sleepy. She has had dreams about him, and she insists on wearing a "sleeping hat" to bed because Jeff always wears one. She informs me and everyone else just about every time I see her: "I like purple. Jeff is purple. He's always sleeping."

- I graduated about a month ago, complete with funny hat and Harry Potter/gospel choir gown and pink hood. I could have graduated a year ago with my BA but decided to wait until I had my BA (Hons) degree. It was fun - we got to march through town, police holding up traffic for us, led by a bagpiper, and then to file into the Town Hall to the blare of a pipe organ. Walking across the stage, trying to remember to hold your trencher in your left hand, smile, shake with the right, take certificate with the right, put on trencher with the strings hanging over the left edge, then walk down the stairs without tripping - I know we all have university qualifications, but that's complicated!!!

who said that students eat badly?

Flatting is fun. Why?

Because at birthday times, we get to do silly things like make a hundred-odd cupcakes and decorate them garishly.


And then to eat them all!

who the heck?

Every time I've looked up my Statcounter page for this website recently, under "Keyword Analysis" I see that rather a lot of people have come to my blog looking for Rockell Welch.

Who the heck is Rockell Welch?

And what sort of name is that?

And when did I ever mention him/her/it?

world travel without leaving your home

The highlight of having a new MacBook should be its operating system or its tiny lightweight design or its freedom from virus attack... but for me, it's the COMPLETELY FUN Photo Booth application!! And it got me thinking - all the agonising I've been doing about which European destination I should visit in September, and yet I don't really need to go at all! The world is at my fingertips here in Christchurch, and given that tourism these days seems to consist of getting photos of yourself in cool destinations, why leave home? Here I am in:

Athens. What an amazing place. Just so... amazing.

Here I am in Vienna. Notice my change in outfit for the colder clime. Try to refrain from noticing the not-so-perfect computer graphics.

And in Venice. My gosh, what a stunning spot; it was like my camera was permanently attached to my face.

After Venice I went a little further down the Italian coast to Amalfi. Where I sat on a roof for this photo. Highly recommended.

And here I am in Switzerland, marvelling at the Jungfrau. I did try braiding my hair for this location but it made me look like an eight-year-old so instead you can see how utterly blown away I am by this spectacular place.

Prague. I can't even try to explain what it's like to be in Prague. When you've been there, you'll understand. 

And here I am in Ephesus, Turkey. I'm not sure if the Apostle Paul ever imagined me standing here doing the V sign that all tourists seem to do...

In Red Square, Moscow. It was pretty cold, so it was lucky I brought my woolly hat, right?

Then on the way home, I popped back over to England, and happened to run into Jane Austen! What a coincidence. It doesn't exactly look like it in this photo, but she and I are good chums.

I feel extravagant

This is my new best friend:

and I love her/him!!!

Any suggestions for a name?

My Traumatic Near-Death Experience

So, about two weeks ago I started noticing that my hands were slightly blue at times, especially night-time. I remembered having problems with bad circulation and numbness in my hands causing the same problem back when I was 14 and had RSI in my arms, and assumed I must be coming close to getting RSI again. I showed my sister and brother-in-law, who are doctors, but they had no idea what was going on.

Imagine my horror when I got into the shower one night and noticed... MY THIGHS WERE BLUE!!! Great Scott, this can't be RSI! What dread disease have I?

Freaking out a little, I told my flatmates, who were just as mystified as me. I wasn't sure what to do but decided to leave it for a little while and if it continued, to visit a doctor and find out what life-threatening malady I suffered from.

Then, I noticed something about the white towel I had used that night - it had blue marks on it. Okay, so that can't be my skin turning blue or my blood turning blue or something if it rubs off, right?

And then I had my brainwave - NEW JEANS! Jeans, furthermore, which hadn't been washed yet at the time. Relief! The denim of my new jeans had left blue marks on me, and being bootlegged, had only affected my thighs. Silly me! Hahaha!

But still, my hands were bothering me. It was obviously a completely different issue. Besides, the blue on my hands didn't really wash off, or if it disappeared after washing, it was only because the hot water had heated my hands up.

Until I realised about a week later, when I gave my blue hands a really good scrubbing with cold water and the blue did come off, how much I pull my hands in and out of the pockets of my jeans... oh, oops. How embarrassing. Now my flatmates think I'm a hypochondriac and my sister and brother-in-law have another embarrassing story to bring up at family gatherings.

By the way - this happens to be my 500th post. :) That's quite a lot of them, really. Please ignore the first couple of hundred.

reasons to be happy

Norwester sunsets.

Christchurch's norwest winds can be horrible in summer, but when they produce an atmosphere like they did last night, when I was walking home from the mall gazing at a sunset that looked like something out of a Renaissance painting or like how you imagine Jesus' return... I love 'em!

Brisk walking.My two gorgeous nieces who have just moved back to Christchurch. SO much fun to spend time with them (they are aged two, and eleven months respectively).

Dreaming up places to go in Europe.

My Masters topic. I LOVE it!! Finally, I am fully motivated.

Chicken katsu, which I had last night at the mall before walking home as the sun set.

The Scissor Sisters' song "I Don't Feel Like Dancing". This song makes me HAPPY! I listened to it last night as I walked along the road watching the sun set. :) Do you sense a pattern here?

Autumn! Especially on campus, which is full of ugly buildings but lots and lots of trees. You don't even notice all the concrete in autumn because the trees are so glorious.

Book shopping. Especially at Christchurch's old Smith's Bookshop on Colombo Street. That place is exactly how secondhand bookshops should be!

Related to autumn : crunchy leaves to step on. Deep satisfaction!

[NB: None of these photos are mine except the nieces one.]

adventure

Eeeee! I'm going to Europe! Suddenly it has become a reality.

Okay, so something could go horribly wrong and it might not happen and it's still months away (probably September) and I really shouldn't be planning this early - and still, I'm excited!

I'll be spending most of my time studying hard in one archive in London and another in Brighton, but I'll have several weekends free, and hopefully if I can afford it I might tack a little extra time onto the end.

One weekend will be spent in Bath at the Jane Austen Festival - that's non-negotiable! Probably another weekend will be spent somewhere else in the UK. And then I have one weekend (maybe two if I'm very, very lucky) to dispose of in continental Europe or Scandinavia - eeeeeeee!!!

This creates a problem. I have to choose one (maybe two) destinations in the whole of Europe. Here's some of the options (and given that this trip is still about five months away, I will probably find a few more to pop into the mix). What do you think? What would YOU choose? Have you been to any of these places? Would you recommend any additions to the list? (Bear in mind that I will be going in early autumn.) In no particular order:

Vilnius, Lithuania

It was my brother-in-law's favourite place in Europe. That's quite a call to make.
Venice, Italy
I mean, just look at that photo!

St. Petersburg, Russia

Um, well, I'm doing Russian history, and I'm learning the Russian language... seems like a sensible choice!

Rome, Italy

The Colosseum, opera, the Vatican...

Salzburg, Austria

The home of Mozart and The Sound of Music! Poor Salzburg, there's probably much more to it than that...

Prague, Czech Republic

I've just heard so many good things about Prague - can all those people be wrong?

Pompeii, Italy

This was number one on my list of places I must see before I die. I have to admit it's pretty high up there on this list.

Nuremberg, Germany

History!!! Beauty!! HIIIISTORY!!!!

Munich, Germany

Ditto!

Istanbul, Turkey

I know this is pushing the boundaries of Europe, but I think it's close enough, don't you?
Iceland

Alone among all the destinations, I could not decide on what photo to use for this country, so I ended up choosing two - type "Iceland" into google images and you will be blown away by stunning landscape after stunning landscape. I couldn't even pick one location in the whole country!

Bergen, Norway
I've wanted to go to Norway for ages. It's all because of Grieg and Roald Dahl.

Ephesus, Turkey
HISTORY!!!! Going to see things I've read about in the Bible all my life? Pretty amazing!

Budapest, Hungary
A friend once sent me a text message from Budapest that went something like this: "I'm in Budapest, it's snowing and it looks exactly like a fairy tale!" I've never been able to forget the intense jealousy I felt at the time.

Bern, Switzerland

or alternatively a train trip through the Swiss Alps...
Either sound good to me!

Athens, Greece

How could this not be on my list?

Later additions:

Bruges, Belgium

Vienna, Austria

Cracow, Poland

Florence, Italy

Dubrovnik, Croatia

why everything is extraordinary and statistics are pointless

Have you ever considered the long line of people who went before you? Sometimes I think about all the possibilities... what if my great-great-grandfather had decided to stay in England instead of coming out to New Zealand, and what if the philanthropic German Count had decided against sending a bunch of German peasants, including my great-great-great-grandfather and -grandmother, to New Zealand? Henry wouldn't have met Mary Ann, and Ernst wouldn't have met Anna. Children would not have followed, and I would not have been here today.

What if my grandmother had died at an early age of a fever? In the grand scheme of things, imagine all the people who could have died along the way and mucked up the lineage that produced Me?! World history seems to be littered with wars, famine, sickness, and accidents, let alone chance meetings that could have resulted in different couplings that could have resulted in different children who would not have produced Me!

I'm making it sound a little ridiculous, I think, and I'm not saying that history has been working with one single purpose - the production of me. :) Of course, given all these accidents, wars, and sickness, perhaps I am a ghastly mistake - let's hope not.

But hasn't the thought occurred to you? The thought of the odds that were stacked against you appearing on this planet at all?

This is why I think statistics are a completely useless way to predict the future. What does it matter if you have X% chance of living past a certain age, or X% chance of not getting a divorce, or X% chance of avoiding cancer? Simply the fact that we are here at all is an infinitely unlikely chance. The odds are stacked just as high against us meeting a man called Edgar or stepping on a cockroach tomorrow as they are against us succeeding in something we set our minds to - and yet we meet Edgar and we squash a cockroach and we think nothing of it.

It's late at night and I'm not sure if this is coming across very clearly. What I'm trying to say is: everything is extraordinary. Especially if we have a chance to get used to it. Statistics may have some inherent logic, and some proof in the practicalities of life, but as far as our own lives go, they have no way of telling us where we fit into the statistics. They're like tarot cards with a scientific veneer.

warning - may contain long-winded whinging

Those of you who are friends with me on facebook will probably have thought that my status updates for the last little while are really quite whingey, and if you're not from New Zealand, you probably won't have a clue what I'm complaining about. "Allie wonders if Studylink was set up simply to distract students from their study." "Allie should be awarded a diploma in negotiating with government and university departments over a long period of time and managing to stay calm." I've joined a facebook group that is called: "Dealing with Studylink is more challenging than my degree."

Those who have to live with me have also noticed a peculiar level of aggression in their flatmate. I emerge from my room at odd times, knock on their door, and proceed to tell them everything that has managed to go wrong with my enrolment, and now with my Studylink applications. I make phone calls to Studylink, and after hanging up, start screaming or grinding my teeth in a menacing fashion.

For those lucky readers of this blog who don't have to deal with New Zealand universities or government departments, Studylink is the department of the government that deals with student loans and student allowances. Yes, I get free money from the government for part of my living costs, because my parent earns under a certain threshold. Technically, I should be very thankful to Studylink for providing me with funds, and I am...

And yet, in reality, my student allowance is my legal entitlement. And Studylink have managed to muck up my application in just about every possible way this year.

First of all, my enrolment with the university took a ridiculously long time (not Studylink's fault). The entire History department had to approve my proposal before I could even get enrolled, and once that was approved, my enrolment was lost somewhere in the computer system of the College of Arts. After four or so weeks of waiting (living off my savings and borrowing from my father), the enrolment finally went through. Hooray! Now I can start eating again!

Or so I thought.

First, Studylink claimed that I still wasn't enrolled. Back and forth, back and forth, between the university and Studylink - finally, they admit I am a student.

Second, Studylink claimed that I wasn't a full-time student, and therefore am not entitled to my allowance. [If doing a Masters degree PLUS an undergraduate course in Russian doesn't make you full-time, I don't know what does.] After several phone calls, they told me just to wait, and it would get sorted out in the next few days.

Next, after several more phone calls, they told me I had to make two separate applications for the one student allowance - one application for my Russian course, and one application for my MA. In my second application, I have to send in all the same information again - my father's income, proof of money I'll be receiving - even though I've sent in the exact same information for my other application.

So it looks like I won't be receiving student allowance this week. Seven weeks into the semester, and Studylink + the university have managed to muck up almost every aspect of my enrolment. I am hundreds of dollars in debt because I haven't had the means to pay for my rent/food, and I am stressed and ready to rip my hair out when I should be studying.

When I am a dictator, I am going to reform bureaucracy or just get rid of it altogether. That alone will give me total power because everyone will love me for it.

Sorry about the long whinge. I really needed to get that off my chest.

taking a deep breath and calming down

Why I am now feeling happier than I was on Wednesday:

- I am actually researching a fascinating topic. Took me a while to remember that, but now that my terror has cattle-prodded me into working hard, I am starting to get really excited.

- I am not stupid; I simply am TEACHABLE. A whole lot of empty space in my head is not a bad thing. It means I have a mind that is open to different possibilities and not decided already on one conclusion.

- I actually already know a lot about my topic, given that I looked at a very similar area last year, and so I am in a much better place than most other Masters students at the same stage as me.

- Being a florist is not as romantic as I had thought. Thanks to all the sensible people who commented on my last post, pointing out all the cons of getting up early, dealing with bridezillas, slicing one's hand open with thorns, etc.

- Some people want to give me money to study. They can't be completely mistaken in my abilities, because people don't give away money generously without being very careful about it.

- Although this stage of my study (reading what everyone else has written about this subject) is not always very fun or rewarding, the stage that comes next, and takes up most of my time (looking at primary documents) will be FANTASTIC. I hope.

SOS

Please, blogosphere, send me some love. I am feeling really, really dumb, and I have an impending sense of doom about the year ahead of me.

I have just sent my sister this text message: "Masters is HORRIBLE. I don't know how you got through a PhD. I just feel so stupid!"

She replied: "You've made it. That's the whole objective."

Why, why, didn't I become a florist? It was a perfectly reasonable fantasy. No, I had to do the "sensible" thing and come to university.

Meanwhile, I am drowning my sorrows in:

wine and Whittaker's hazelnut chocolate;

while cooking - rhubarb pie, my favourite.

It wasn't supposed to get burnt but it still tasted goooood, and made me feel slightly better.

accidental fortuitous irregularity

The word "random" being so 2001, this is a list of 25 Haphazard Things About Me or Somehow Related to Me or What I Am Thinking About Now. (Okay, so "haphazard" is not a perfect synonym, but that's all the thesaurus had. Neither is it a catchy little title. No excuses in that case.)

1. I used to play in a recorder quintet in Perth, Australia. The people whose house we practised in had a budgie who could whistle Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, and the budgie frequently joined in while we played.

2. I should be studying harder. But I'm not. It's going to take me a while to master this Masters thing (actually no pun intended) of self-motivated study.

3. I am listening to the new U2 album right now! No Line on the Horizon. I love it so far! My feeling is: still U2 produced by Brian Eno, but a developing sound. Contemporary but not too overtly fashionable. Very listenable. Rough-edged, which is how I like it. Creative vocals.

4. There is a guy at my church who is very goodlooking, in a very unconventional way. Although he's a very nice guy, we don't have much in common and I'm not interested, so there's no need for me to start behaving oddly, but it is nice to have some man candy around. Is that sexist?

5. I am hoping that this year I will be able to visit the UK for research purposes - there are two archives I would love to visit, one in London and one in Brighton. I won't be able to afford to do much stuff or stay for long but I'm hoping I'll have at least one or two weekends free to see something, and I've wanted to go to Bath for a long time, so that goes straight to the top of the list...

6. ... and, as it turns out, very fortuitously, at precisely the time I am planning to be in the UK (September), the Jane Austen Centre of Bath is holding a JANE AUSTEN FESTIVAL!!! And, one of my best friends, who is a big Austen fan too, will be in the UK at the same time, exploring a little before she starts working in France! I think that constitutes clear guidance - I must go to the UK in September!

7. My name in Cyrillic alphabet is: ЭЛЕЙ

8. I have a god-daughter.

9. I keep having dreams about this one guy that I used to work with, and I can't figure out why. I actually told him about the first one of them, in which I got married to him and then he left me the next day for a man. He found it hilariously funny. But I thought it might be a bit much to try to explain why I've had at least five dreams featuring him since then.

10. I am currently reading The Screwtape Letters, by C. S. Lewis. Good book.

11. I have eleven nieces and nephews, all of whom I love very much but have taught me a lot. Namely, that parenthood is not something to be entered into lightly.

12. I tire easily of making lists and 25 is just too big a number. Let's make it twelve.

shameless self-promotion

Halfway Down the Stairs, the online writing magazine of which Stacy and I are editors, is out again!

This issue is themed "Twists of Fate" and is our biggest issue yet. Although I obviously liked all the fiction in there, as I am one of the people who decides whether we accept it or not, there is some work by our guest authors that I really think is brilliant writing, and we are privileged to be able to publish it. I hope you enjoy it!

on the radio

Five songs that I am loving at the moment.


"Get on your boots", U2.
Obviously I was always going to be excited by a new U2 single but I am not at all disappointed by this one, if that means anything! They're not losing It as they get older, in my opinion, yet neither are they doing quite the same old thing. It'll be exciting to see what the album's like.

"The Fear", Lily Allen.
It's great to see that Lily Allen is bringing us more of her quirky, irreverent and honest music but also developing her sound. I love the first single off her album - it's either incredibly ironic or incredibly self-aware, or maybe a little of both. I love that she can say things that are so much more interesting than the average pop song but she says them in such a fun way.
"Single Ladies", Beyoncé

I'm not normally a fan of Beyoncé, nor a fan of dancey-type music (unless we're talking ABBA) - but for some strange reason I love this song. It took me a while. At first whenever I heard it I wondered why on earth Beyoncé would record such a strange song, but now I really enjoy it every time I hear it. The video is also very cool.

"American Boy", Estelle feat. Kanye West
I think this has been around for a while now but I'm still listening to it avidly. This is such a cool British sort of hip hop - funky, carefree, restrained... One of the few songs featuring Kanye West in which I can see what all the fuss is about.

"My Delirium", Ladyhawke

This is a music style called "indie-disco" by iTunes (I personally wouldn't have a clue what it is!) that I find really interesting and fun, and I love this, Ladyhawke's second single. Good driving music, I would guess. Also a great, creative video. I would love to get the whole album, actually.