advertisements

Perhaps I just need to get out more. Every time I've watched TV over the last week or so, I've been mentally summing up the message of each advert in one sentence, an exercise that may sound a bit lame but made me laugh, for one.

My sister started me off with this one: "If you use Solagard solar heating, cute little frogs will come and live in your bathroom."

Schick Quattro razors for men: "Whenever you use this razor, women will fall off treadmills."

My favourite so far was advertised on the rural Australian channel while I was in the countryside, for Statewide Steel. Basically, "at Statewide Steel, we employ hot girls wearing next to nothing, because steel is sexy and manly".

V50 shampoo: "Bad hair is just as much a medical emergency as a coma or heart attack."

Lamb: "If you can only find a partner who loves eating lamb as much as you do, you will live happily ever after."

Sleepyhead beds: "If you wake up in the morning looking fresh, well-rested and fabulous, immediately go and purchase a new Sleepyhead bed."

Particularly sentimental ads in New Zealand tend to come from insurance companies, such as State: "Buying insurance at State means you will have a very long, fulfilled and balanced life."
or AMI: "At AMI, we are responsible for every smile that passes from one person to another in New Zealand."

Special K breakfast cereal: "If you are one of those annoying freaks who must needs take part in every health food fad, we are the cereal for you."
or...
"If you eat Special K [and exercise and diet and have lipo] you could lose 1kg every week! Miraculous!"

Telecom Broadband: "If you don't get your children highspeed broadband internet with Telecom, you are failing them in their educational needs, and they will never get to university."

Well, I'm sure you've got the picture after that and have seen basically the same ads for many different products, many different times. What else do the ads on your television channels tell you?

living the good life

Yesterday my sister, Ruby and I drove down south a couple of hours to Bunbury, a town that apparently doesn't really have any special about it but which I am disposed to like because it has the same name as the fictitious invalid in The Importance of Being Earnest. We are staying at the Sanctuary Golf Resort at which my sister is taking a refresher course in some aspect of paediatric medicine and I am doing the babysitting during the day. It's SO much nicer than a backpackers with squeaky bunk beds - instead, I have my own room and my own bathroom - phwoar! There's a pool and a spa (as in, Jacuzzi) and a golf course. I could get used to this.

And recently in Australian news (and world news so it’s quite likely you’ve already heard this): in Sydney at the moment the APEC conference has just finished. Security has been very, very high, as there are 25 world leaders there such as the Chinese President and Vladimir Putin and none other than George W. Bush. (And New Zealand’s Helen Clark, who is, naturally, just as much a security priority as any of those. Perhaps.) There happens to be this show called The Chaser on Australian TV which I have become thoroughly addicted to since I got here. The show is presented by five comedians who target other TV shows or politicians or just ordinary people, and is – not to exaggerate at all – the most hilarious show on television. Last week on the show they spent some time trying to get past APEC security, but on the news this week we found out what was planned for Wednesday’s episode. On Thursday, the boys from The Chaser got themselves a motorcade, put some Canadian and American flags on the limousine (note that Canada is not even an APEC country), got past about three or four security checkpoints, and finally managed to get somewhere near George Bush, when one jumped out of the car dressed as Osama bin Laden.

It was inevitable that they get arrested, all five comedians and six other people in their crew. But it really makes the whole APEC thing a lot more fun, don’t you think? And of course the television shows which have been targeted in the past by The Chaser are having a field day, with great headlines such as "This time The Chaser goes TOO FAR!!!" in deathly serious voices. Personally, I think that perhaps instead of blaming The Chaser for being irresponsible, they should instead look at how somehow some pranksters managed to get through that many checkpoints that were touted as being so high in security without being stopped.

my wonderful weekend away

Well - I apologise to all who took the poll - I did not end up following your advice. Monkey Mia, the clear winner, was rejected in favour of a road trip up to Kalbarri National Park and the Pinnacles. To explain myself, next week I am going to Bunbury, in the south, with my sister, where I am almost certain to encounter dolphins. Also, going to Kalbarri meant I could borrow the car and save money. (Of course, it also meant driving for hours. Australia is much too big.) I stayed at backpacker hostels for three nights, in the dorms, which was an entirely new experience for me - I can't say I liked having no private space and having to be sociable 24/7, but I'm glad I tried it, and it certainly saves money.

Here I am at "Nature's Window" in Kalbarri National Park on Sunday, one of The places you have to go to have your photo taken in the park. I don't mean to make it sound touristy, because it's amazing. Red, red earth, huge cliffs and whopping natural formations. Fossilised remains of creatures that could be over 450 million years old. And a heck of a lot of flies. To be fair, I chose the right time to come; in February or March, it's much worse. But even in September there are enough to seriously bug you. No pun intended. Unfortunately, I chose an inopportune moment to open my mouth, walking back to the coach, and a fly flew right in there - I had no choice but to swallow it in the end, and I cannot describe how disgusting that is. Probably I don't need to, you will all be gagging away happily at the thought of my suffering. I took a small coach tour in, which was a good idea, because the roads are very rough and it was nice to do it with some other people. Apart from the fly incident, it was absolutely fantastic.

In the early afternoon, an Aussie girl in my dorm cornered me and got me to drive her down to the local surfer's beach near the Kalbarri township. I wasn't too keen at first but I am so glad I went because it was beautiful. Apparently a low moving up the coast meant there was some pretty awesome surfing to be had, and this beach was remarkable because these huge waves were crashing right by the shore - this photo doesn't show the biggest one but if you look closely you might be able to see the little surfer riding the wave. It was also an amazingly interesting beach to take photos of; as well as the predictable sand and dunes there was this big flat rocky bit right by the sea, with these little pools in it.

Later that afternoon, I drove around the Kalbarri coast for a couple of hours (after having shaken the Aussie girl because I wanted some alone time), stopping at all the viewing platforms for the coastal gorges. I hadn't expected them to be that special because some people at the backpackers had been a little dismissive of them, but they were wonderful. It's hard to show in a photo how colossal that cliff is, and how massive those waves are, hurtling in.

In the evening I went and got pizza in the township and then spent a relaxing evening reading books and checking email, etc etc. The next morning (Monday), I got up as early as possible, resisted all hints from Aussie Girl that I drive her south (this may seem mean and antisocial but she wasn't even out of bed yet), and I drove to Cervantes, a very small township about four or five hours down the coast. Cervantes has a quite nice beach which I spent an enjoyable half hour fooling around on, but the real attraction behind the town is the Pinnacles Desert, about a 20km drive away, and I went out there in the late afternoon/dusk (the recommended time if you want to take photos). It was very hard narrowing it down to only two photos because I took so many, but here they are:

It's small as deserts go - I could easily have walked around it - and it wasn't scorching hot, but the thing that makes this desert special is the eerie mounds that rise up out of it. Some are not big while others are about twice my height or more, but they all look very odd, perhaps like an army of trolls that got themselves turned to stone or some prehistoric aliens that found they couldn't live with earth's air. I really should have found out something about them and why they are how they are, but it's much more interesting to make something up, I think.

There was not a lot of choice at the Cervantes general store so for dinner on Monday night I ended up having chip sandwiches on the beach. Unhealthy, perhaps; uninteresting, perhaps; but very satisfying. And today (Tuesday) I drove back to Perth!

It seems like I've been away for days - probably the fault of all that driving. It didn't help that on Saturday when I was driving up to Kalbarri, I managed to get seriously lost on the Perth highways, taking the wrong exit about three times so it took me about three hours just to get out of the city. Silly me. Luckily, today, nothing went wrong, and I was back in Perth by lunchtime. And now, I'm eating marshmallows and recovering. :)

[plug]And it's that time of year - Halfway Down the Stairs is out again, which is of course the biannual literature e-zine that Stacy and I are both members of the staff on. The theme this time is 'Notes' and you should definitely visit and admire the beautiful work Avis did on the web design and the stories/poetry/interview we feature this time![/plug]

bloody hippies

Okay - I was on the train yesterday coming home from town after a successful shopping trip (yay! I found a super cheap CD shop and went a little overboard), and this guy gets on, looking like he's trying to be an Australian Rastafarian/hermit/swagman/hippie/free spirit, with his bike and a guitar. He leans his bike up against the wall, and starts strumming away loudly. Now I'm listening (very happily) to my ipod, and I happen to really, really enjoy catching the train because it gives me half an hour or more to listen to my favourite music and generally zone myself out, so this really pisses me off. Then he comes and sits down across from me and looks at me like I'm a closet imperialist/yuppie/sweatshop manager, sitting there with my ipod, sunnies and leather handbag, and plays louder, as if it's necessary to make me listen to him and in so doing enlarge my tiny imprisoned mind. At one point, to give him the benefit of the doubt, I turned off my ipod and listened, but his guitar sounded like it was about to snap in half and the strings like they were made of elastic bands. Back on goes the ipod.

The one moment of satisfaction I got from the whole share-your-free-spirit-with-the-whole-train thing was when, right at the start, he started playing and his bike fell over with a huge crash, so he had to go rearrange it. I must have a cruel sense of humour but it was the funniest thing that happened all day.

So who is more sadistic - he or me? And which is better - an unoriginal ipod-generation yuppie, or an annoying Rasta hippie who wants to share his freedom with a whole trainload of people?

When I am a tyrannical dictator, this is an issue I will have to address.

Edit: Oh, and by the way, you may remember my post on choosing a destination to visit in Western Australia, and the poll I asked you to vote on. Monkey Mia came first by one vote, then the backpacker bus trip, then third equal Ningaloo and Kalgoorlie. Well - thank you for your input. I have made my decision, and on Sunday I am going on holiday for a few days. I will tell you where and how and everything else when I get back. :)

oh dear

Pauline Hanson, Australia's very own racist politician, is making a comeback at the moment, and is aiming to win seats in the Australian elections which are not very far away. I don't feel like I have a moral obligation to be unbiased here, because it's my blog, and I'm not voting as I'm not Australian, so I have no qualms in writing that Pauline Hanson is an aggressive, nasty, silly and unreasonable woman who may pretend she has more than one political issue on her agenda but actually only cares about immigration. For example, Muslim immigration should be radically reduced because "they urinate on Bibles". That's right. According to Pauline Hanson, all Muslims urinate on Bibles. (I feel like doing an 'Arec Baldwin' impression - "and - and global warming - and mega corporations - and..." Sorry to all those who haven't seen Team America: World Police and who won't have a clue what I'm talking about!)

On the radio news the other day, Pauline Hanson claimed that the reason she didn't get as many seats as expected at the last elections her party was in (although, scarily, she got quite a number anyway) is that her voters didn't realise that as well as putting the "1" in the box by her party, they had to number every other party as well, depending on their preferences. If Pauline Hanson happens to read this blog, I would like to ask her this question: Pauline, do you actually want to admit to people how stupid your voters are?

Sorry for that little semi-political rant. It's so nice being able to be mean to politicians without feeling embarrassed that they're from your country.

soundtrack of my year

Trish, on her blog, asked this question: "If the last year of YOUR life had a soundtrack, what songs would be included?" I hope she doesn't mind that I've taken that and decided to write a whole blog post on the subject.

1) Shadowfeet, from Brooke Fraser's Albertine. "Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet / Towards home, a land that I've never seen / I am changing, less and less asleep / Made of different stuff than when I began..." When this song first came out on the radio I wasn't too sure about it, but slowly I realised that whenever I heard this song, I would somehow feel much more relaxed and less stressed out than usual - and by now, it's been playing on a loop in my head with these eight other tracks for a long time. It's a song that has reminded me of direction in life other than just getting through the year or the degree or the hoarding-of-money, and has challenged me like no other song... except for the others on her album!

2) First and Second Law, by Flanders and Swann (performed in their show At the Drop of Another Hat). This makes the list because a) it's the funniest song, and b) this year for the first time I found a CD version of At the Drop of Another Hat (as opposed to vinyl) and have since been listening to it WAY too much. This song, about the first and second law of thermodynamics, has always been one of my favourites, and since I was about age four, I could quote from memory that:
1. Heat is work and work is heat.
2. Heat cannot of itself pass from one body to a hotter body.
I'm aware there's no way I can do justice to the funniness of this song by writing about it so I'll leave it at that, but if you ever manage to get your hands on a copy of that show, listen to it!!

3) Won't Give In, from the Finn brothers' album Everyone is Here. This song, by two legends of NZ music (originally from Split Enz and Crowded House), is about family, and the way it sticks together - "What does it mean when you belong to someone / When you're born with a name and you carry it on / It means that I won't give in, won't give in, won't give in / 'Cause everyone I love is here..." This has been revolving round my head lately whenever I think of my family, a big theme of the last year I would say.

4) Ruby, from The Kaiser Chief's Yours Truly, Angry Mob. Since my niece Ruby was born almost ten months ago, this song has been played a LOT on the radio, and I'm almost getting to the point at which it's been played too much. Still, it's nice to sing along with a song and have someone in mind, especially when it's someone so incredibly cute! "Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby! / Do ya do ya do ya do ya / Know what you're doing doing to me? / Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby!" I mean, isn't that the coolest thing to sing along with at the top of your voice!

5) The Scientist, from Coldplay's A Rush of Blood to the Head. I played this a lot around about the time my Mum died, and ever since then it's been one of my major Think About Mum songs.

6) Resurrection, by my big brother Russell! We are a family of musos, but Russell is really The Muso of the family, and we have a few CDs of stuff he's written and recorded. This song was written for his church's Easter production, and is VERY cool (and also kinda thought-provoking). He occasionally reads this blog, so Russell, if you're reading, I hope you don't mind that I mentioned you!

7) One, from U2's album Achtung Baby. This has always been one of my favourite U2 songs but this year in particular I've been thinking about the lyrics a lot - it was written from the perspective of one of Bono's friends who was coming out to his staunchly anti-gay father, and it's been a major part of my thoughts about the whole issue which I really want to make my mind up about. I don't want to make a political statement or something here, but since this has been the major issue I've been thinking about this year (and going in circles most of the time), this song has been in my mind a lot.

8) Kite, from U2's All That You Can't Leave Behind. Another Think About Mum song. This song seems to me to encapsulate all the mind wanderings I go through when I think about the death of a loved one, the confusion, being torn between letting it go and holding on for as long as possible. It also happened to be the last song U2 played at the concert I went to in November 2006 and was beautiful (and rather funny - in a beautiful symbolic gesture, Bono flew a kite, and at the end of the concert, let it fly away - unfortunately, only to get stuck in the lighting a few metres above the stage!).


9) Rusty Cage, by Johnny Cash. "I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run..." It's been roughly a year since I discovered Johnny Cash (along with everyone else - after Walk the Line came out). I think this is actually a cover of someone else's song, but it's one of my favourite Johnny Cash songs, and I always play it when I'm driving in the country or doing something fun instead of something sensible. It makes me wish I was a bass singer. Almost.

the president and me

Thanks, Stacy, for this meme idea which is just about the most fun meme ever! Here's my contribution.

Finally, if you have time and you haven't done so yet, please vote on my poll on the destination I should choose to visit in Western Australia - you will find photos and a quick list of the pros and cons of each in my last blog post.

you choose

Right - since I discovered the Poll feature on Blogger, I have realised I need your help. Besides hopping across Australia in December to spend a few days to a week in Sydney, I just have to do something else travel-wise in Australia, and preferably Western Australia, which is VAST and cool (in the slang way - definitely the opposite literally). But I can't decide what to do! There are various complicating factors such as expense, because I don't have a whole lot to spend, especially as I have to save some for Sydney and Malaysia in November. So I'm setting up a poll on the menu, and I would be so grateful if you give me your opinions about which option is the best.

Ningaloo Reef. This is near Exmouth on the map shown above. Pros: it is apparently a paradise that I must see and should be top of my priorities (according to my sister and brother-in-law whom I will refer to as J&J in all future blog posts). According to this website, "it is a virtually untouched barrier reef of 260km length protecting a shallow, brilliant white sandy lagoon of clear tropical waters" in which you can snorkel or simply lie on the beach.

Cons: It is by far the farthest destination from Perth that I am considering and is subsequently more expensive. I could go by air (quite expensive) or by bus (not cheap and a long, long trip).

Also, when I googled images of Ningaloo, there were all these pictures of WHALE SHARKS. A bit of a turn-off.

Monkey Mia Dolphin Resort, which is near the next sticky-outy part south of Exmouth. In its favour: the photo above. A "natural dolphin sighting area", "secluded crystal blue waters" and "pristine white-shell beaches", according to the website, and is "one of the most reliable meeting places for dolphins in the world". This place is seriously tempting and every single photo I have seen backs up all the good things said about it.

Only problems: it's not cheap to get there by air (though cheaper than Ningaloo), and when you do, you have to stay at the resort. Although they have some cheaper options available within the resort, I don't much like that. Also, it is an area of ocean named 'Shark Bay' - another warning signal, the like of which is seen in horror films and usually ignored, much to the dismay of most of the characters!

A different option for getting to Monkey Mia is as follows:

A different option is to take an EasyRider backpacker tour by bus from Perth up to Monkey Mia and back. These take four days and drop you off each night at a backpackers. As well as getting to see Monkey Mia, you get to see the Kalbarri River gorges (top), the Pinnacles Desert (middle), the Stromatolites at Hamelin Pool (bottom) and more such as the Coastal Gorges, the Swan River Winery and a wildlife park on the way back. This is a pretty cool option because you get to see so much, and do it with other people, although...

Cons: it's a bit daunting doing it with a whole lot of backpackers who for all I know could be a pack of psychotic alcoholic Satanists. Am I jumping to conclusions?

Also, the price is an issue - $369 for the bus trip but as far as I can see that doesn't include accomodation or food etc. Still a better deal than flying up, probably, but something to think about.

Finally, Kalgoorlie. In its favour: it is very cheap to get to, by bus. And there are ghost towns nearby, left from the gold rush of the late nineteenth century, and there is always something cool about ghost towns.

Not so interesting: it's a town of 30,000 and so therefore the tourist attractions are things like an old hotel or pub, or (wait for it) brothel tours. My kind of travelling - or not.

Also, this was the most attractive/interesting photo I could find of Kalgoorlie. It kind of pales in comparison with the others, wouldn’t you say?

So - please be enlisted to the Help Allie Out cause, and take my poll! (See menu, under my profile info.)

progress

One of my Projects while I'm over here is to learn German - or at least, to start learning German. I have now been to two lessons and done all my homework and here is an example of my prowess:

A: Guten Tag! Ich heiβe Allie. Wie heiβen Sie?
B: Ah, guten Tag! Ich heiβe B. Woher kommen Sie?
A: Ich komme aus Neuseeland. Aber ich wohne in Perth. Und Sie?
B: Ich komme aus Australien.

Hooray! I wrote all that from memory. It's very very likely therefore that there are mistakes, but still, I feel quite pleased.

The classes are fun; I have met several people around my age who are really nice and interesting sorts of people. There is one man in the class from Croatia who obviously finds the pronunciation a little easier or who has done some German before (I don't know why he has to be in the Elementary I class), and he is one of those students who has to answer every single question before everyone else, or repeat phrases as fast as is physically possible. It's very annoying but also a little amusing.

In other news, my niece has learnt to crawl. Only about three days ago she was still sliding backwards whenever she tried to make a movement - now she is zooming round the place in a sort of lopsided, hobbling crab crawl. It's been amazing to watch her but now we are all feeling the effects of having to watch what she can get her hands on. Sigh.

The Coolest Job Ever

My sister has just found me what is officially The Coolest Job Ever!!! (Except for being a tyrannical dictator, of course.) If only I were in New Zealand and free to take it up. Feel free, any other grammar geek readers, to emigrate to Aotearoa and compete for this stellar job.

Seriously, I love that there are actually jobs out there that I would never think, gee, I'd love to be a captioning producer, but which would suit me down to a T. (Except for the fast touch-typing bit but I could fludge my way through that bit I think.)

If you were one of those who prayed for the woman I mentioned on my God is Nice blog, I've posted an update on there.

karrakatta cemetery

Kookaburra!!

Yesterday I took the train to Karrakatta Cemetery, which is huge. My sister thinks I'm morbid because I enjoy visiting graveyards (and sure, I wouldn't tell everyone that it's a favourite pastime of mine), but this was a really beautiful cemetery, more like a park or like gardens than a plain graveyard. It just goes on and on and on, with beautiful graves, trees, birds - including at least one kookaburra (above)! How exciting. Apparently kookaburras are pretty common around here, but never having seen one before, it was thrilling, and I couldn't get the song out of my head for the rest of the afternoon (...kookaburra sits in an old gum tree...). The one thing I thought was slightly weird about the cemetery is that it's so big that it has its own cafe. Hmmm.

Anyway, I am going into town for the first time today, to find my way around and to buy textbooks for my German language course that is starting tomorrow. When I take the train now, I am mostly able to look like a native of Perth - my first time on the train, I didn't know you had to push a button to make the doors open, and panicked. Now, I am much more knowledgeable.

Does anyone else like cemeteries? Or is it really just me?

Edit: By the way, do take my poll! Which is the best cake flavour? A crucial question for our times. See on the menu.

beware - SPOILERS!!!

I have successfully penetrated the security surrounding the release of Harry Potter #7 tomorrow, and it is with sadistic pleasure that I announce I know what happens! And I will reveal it to the world! [wicked laugh]

This is it - the ending of Harry Potter #7 (brace yourselves) -

Voldemort realises the error of his ways and repents. He opens a school for difficult children and compensates all his victims, or their families, in a billion-Galleon settlement. He and Harry join hands on the front cover of the Daily Prophet, and make a joint statement that violence never pays. For the rest of his life he will atone for his sins, volunteering in pet rescue homes, appearing alongside Bob Geldof and Angelina Jolie as a hero of the oppressed, and write his own self-help book.

babies

[ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A PHOTO OF A PARTICULARLY GORGEOUS BABY HERE - but I feel sure now that this would definitely break the strict censorship my brother-in-law has over who gets to see pictures. Sorry!]

Babies are:

1. Scary. What if they don't like you? What if you drop them and they are scarred for life? What if you feed them the wrong thing? What if they just won't stop crying? Oh the responsibility!

2. Smelly. Especially after vomiting three times. Enough said.

3. Noisy. In this particular case, especially when having their nappies changed or having a bath or in the middle of the night (I have earplugs, to be fair, and she has actually slept through the night three times in a row since I've been here - amazing, apparently).

But (and this basically cancels out all the bad stuff):

4. Insanely cute. I defy anyone to frown when a baby is laughing.

5. Fun to play with.

6. Amazing to watch. This one is just about to learn to crawl, besides other things, and it's incredible to watch her slowly grasping how to do something.

In other news, tonight I joined a recorder quartet which has now become a quintet. So much fun! We are playing really meaty music and they are all really, really good. I'm not bad enough that I find it scary, but it's exactly challenging enough. We have a concert in September!

world domination

The World Domination Meme, thanks to Stacy:

You are offered one superhero power to help you take over the world (or the country of your choice). What would your superpower be and why?

My superpower would be the power to appear to each person as their greatest ideal, eg to be a sort of reverse Boggart. This would make everyone vote for me and think that I was democratically elected rather than a tyrannical dictator, and if I was careful, it would prohibit all forms of resistance.

Where will you establish your capital and why?

Unfortunately, I believe local domination is too small an aim; world domination alone can satisfy. Therefore, Christchurch is just too small and far away from everywhere to be the capital of my global empire as it is. All the same, I don't want to have it anywhere else because that would be an insult to the glory that is Christchurch. Therefore, I will have the South Island of New Zealand dug up, and towed to a more convenient location.

What would be your first official decree as a brand new dictator? Why?

I would announce a ban on rogaine, because it is a fallacy of a sport and a crime.

As a Great and Fearsome Leader, you will need to have the best people working for you. Who would work for you? (Feel free to use famous people, fictional characters, friends and family, or other people from the blogosphere in your answer.) What would their jobs be?

My Deputy will be Stacy, because she is obviously adept in handling minions and dominating the world. She will also understand that I am ruthless, can read minds, and that the moment she starts considering usurping me, being sent to the gulag will be the least of her worries.

Lady Catherine de Bourgh from Pride and Prejudice will be my Chief of Police because she is a seriously scary and ruthless old woman.

My entire family will be given high-paying jobs in government departments which involve hardly any work, because what is the use of dominating the world if you can't be a nepotist?

My niece Ruby will be my PR person because she is so cute that everyone will take one look at her and forget about the thousands toiling in the gulag that they had come to complain about.

Henry Tilney from Northanger Abbey will be the chaplain, because he's the coolest clergyman that has yet been seen in a novel.

Peter Jackson will be in charge of Propaganda. Bono and the Edge will set pro-Allie rhymes to music. Rachmaninov, Grieg and Mendelssohn will collaborate on pro-Allie symphonies and operas.

If you could make one annoying habit illegal in your empire, what would it be?

Wearing those condom-like hats that rappers wear in music videos.

i'm not in kansas anymore

I arrived last night in Perth, Western Australia. Eight hours by plane!! Australia is one big place. I haven't done a whole lot so far but I've just got back from a walk down to Cottesloe beach, where I:

a) got a feeling for the local climate.

It's hot! It's supposed to be winter! I've just come from Christchurch's negative five degree (celsius) frosts, while in Australia if it gets below ten degrees they feel the need to give it a decimal point - eg 7.8 degrees. My sister's house is pretty cool, but it is very sunny outside, probably about twenty degrees, and when I wasn't getting the sea breeze it was pretty darn hot.

b) experienced the local flora and fauna.

Ravens, parrots, sounds in the trees which I haven't identified as certain birds yet. As you may have seen above - and although I haven't seen any - SNAKES.

c) tasted the local cuisine.

Well, maybe that phrase is going a little too far. I bought a bag of Twisties, chips we have in NZ, that turned out to be totally different here - and in a much bigger bag. I can't understand it because every single person I have seen is slim (and more often than not, blonde and tanned).

It was great to see my sister Janet and her husband John again, and to meet my nine-month-old niece Ruby for the first time. She is ridiculously cute and at an adorable age. I can't wait to get to know her. Will post photos eventually.

Tomorrow: getting a sim card, getting a bank account, doing Stacy's World Domination meme!

me

I have been tagged by the talented Stacy (if only her name began with a T) and this is the result!

What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was a ten year old obsessed with my new niece and getting over an obsession with Enid Blyton! (Actually this niece has just turned ten - scary!) I was in Mr McDonald's class at Hoon Hay Primary School, I had recorder and piano lessons, and I played Bad Bill in our school's play 'Granny and the Pirates'.

What were you doing 5 years ago?

Five years ago I was fifteen, and visiting Malaysia with my parents to see my brother. I was at Middleton Grange School, taking Maths, English, Science, French, Art and Music. I had two best friends called Sarah and Hayley, and we did not have any major dramas that year, unlike the previous two.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Studying hard - History, English and Linguistics. Trying not to spend money. Trying not to eat too much junk food. Agonising over a boy I had met.

What are 5 snacks you enjoy?

1. Chocolate (no surprises there), especially Nestle Coconut Double Blend, and Whittakers Almond.
2. Jelly. (As in Jello???)
3. Yoghurt. (Or, jelly and yoghurt mixed together!)
4. Rice crackers and salsa.
5. Cruskits (a type of cracker) with Marmite and cheese.

What are 5 songs that you know the lyrics to by heart?

1. I Have Confidence, from The Sound of Music (I was singing this in the car last night all the way home from the movie theatre!)
2. Sixteen Going on Seventeen, from The Sound of Music, again (funniest song EVER to sing)
3. When Peace Like A River, the hymn by Philip Bliss
4. Pride (in the Name of Love), U2
5. Stranded at the Drive-in, from Grease (again, a very funny song to sing)

What are 5 things you would do if you were a millionaire?

1. Travel. Anywhere. In so doing, find worthy causes to give money to.
2. Build up an extensive library all of my own.
3. Buy a grand piano.
4. Volunteer with Amnesty International full-time.
5. Learn to play a ridiculous amount of musical instruments.

What are 5 bad habits?

1. Being judgmental of Austen movies and ruining them for my friends, who can sense my displeasure radiating from me. However, you will be glad to hear that before I went to see Becoming Jane last night, I made up my mind to look at it merely as a movie rather than a historically accurate record, and found myself enjoying it very much.
2. Getting crushes on inappropriate people.
3. Being a bit snobbish about people with different interests.
4. Whinging whenever I get tired/wet/cold.
5. Forgetting to stop talking about myself to certain people. You know the type, who are so caring that they always ask you about yourself and you suddenly realise you didn't ask them about their sick mother or something.

What are 5 things you like doing?

1. Playing the piano loudly.
2. Friendly arguments.
3. Childish things like going to zoos, watching children's movies, making sand castles.
4. Drinking coffee.
5. Fast and efficient but extravagant shopping.

What are 5 things you would never wear again?

1. Grey tracksuit pants with a matching sweatshirt.
2. Skivvies.
3. Denim waistcoats.
4. Crushed velvet.
5. Teddy-bear hat.

What are your 5 favorite toys?

1. I'm going to copy Stacy here - my laptop.
2. iPod.
3. Playmobil. I haven't played with it for ages, but I wish I was still young enough to get it out at any opportunity.
4. Hair straightener.
5. Book case. Sounds weird, but I love arranging and rearranging my books. :)

Who are the five people you're tagging?

They've all been taken already, so ANYONE!

wandering

My niece feeding the eels. Eek!


As you can see, I went to a zoo on Friday - Willowbank Wildlife Reserve is a fantastic little zoo in Christchurch. They don't have any big animals like lions or giraffes or anything, but they have this cool farmyard with hilarious creatures like the kunekune pig pictured above and an attention-seeking goat, which you get to feed. They also have the best kiwi house I've ever been to. Usually you have to peer through dirty glass and darkness to see kiwis at other zoos, but in this one, they have a really big building in which it looks like the kiwis can actually have fun, and although you have to be as quiet as possible, you can actually get really close to them, and see them quite clearly. It was great. A few came literally right up to where we were at the fence and were snuffling round for grubs by our feet.

Anyway - I don't usually go to zoos just for fun although I wish I could - my niece and nephews from Dunedin were up for the weekend with their parents for a family gathering, as well as my sister from Auckland with her husband. On Saturday night we had a kind of early 21st for me (my birthday's in October but I'll be away), with Indian takeaways and LOTS of dessert. It was really great, despite the fact that five children can make a lot of noise, especially when they've been drinking Coke.

Aaaand - I've been given a rather wonderful early 21st birthday present from my siblings, dad and grandmother. In November, I am going on a two week trip to Penang, Malaysia, where my brother lives! I might get to go to Krabi, Thailand as well, or Kuala Lumpur, or Langkawi, or somewhere fantastic like that! I am very excited.

It's only a few days now until I leave for Perth, Western Australia, where I will be a nanny for my smallest niece for five months. I'm actually a bit nervous but also am excited. It's starting to sink in now that I'm actually going. The next time I blog, I will probably be in Australia!

Just wanted to share something else - I recently joined Facebook and I searched the groups available there for both U2 and Jane Austen, naturally. I had no idea how many people dislike Jane Austen!! High up on the list are these groups:

Coalition Against the Reading of Jane Austen's Madness
Damn You, Jane Austen!
English Majors Against Jane Austen
I ardently detest and despise "Pride and Prejudice"
I don't care what you say - Jane Austen should never have been published!
If I had a time machine, the first thing I would do: Kill Jane Austen
Jane Austen gave me unrealistic expectations of love
Say No to Austen; Say Yes to ABBA
I Peed in Jane Austen's House (IPJAH)

Still, there are many more that make me feel much more happy:

Jane Austen is my homegirl
Jane Austen Tea Party
Austentatious
Jane Austen books are ruining my sense of reality - and I love it!!
Jane Austen's Biyaches
Real Men like Jane Austen
Jane Austen or bust!
Stalking Heroes of Austen
Jane Austen Novels Explain The Universe

And I loved this - someone has created the Anti-Jane Austen Book Club - so someone else has responded with the Anti-Anti Jane Austen Book Club! Take that!!

emancipation

The other night, in the ad breaks of another programme, I started watching a debate on Maori TV. It was in the Maori language, which I don't understand except for sporadic words, but it had subtitles, and I ended up jotting down some quotes because it was so what you would not see (or get away with) on any other TV channel!

The topic for debate was: A tribe's survival depends on a woman with balls.

Starting right there, I knew I was in for something special. And as the leader of the affirmative team (is that what you call it? I can't rememeber) said, confirming all my hopes: "I believe for a woman to be strong she must have balls. I can prove women have balls."

The other team, on the other hand, had a few gems up their sleeves:
"Women are the hair on men's legs."
"I know of matriarchs with balls, and they're crafty, crafty."
"If women stood on my marae*, my balls would drop."
"Women, there is a place for you, in the kitchen, looking after the tamariki."**
"A woman is a queen, a man is a god."
"Without balls, we wouldn't be here."

And my personal favourite insult directed towards the affirmative team - "You're all drunkards."

Persuasive, right?!

* A marae is a Maori meeting house. Certain tribes have quite strict etiquette restricting women from specific roles in a marae or in ceremonies.
** No points for guessing what tamariki means.

The other night, in the ad breaks of another programme, I started watching a debate on Maori TV. It was in the Maori language, which I don't understand except for sporadic words, but it had subtitles, and I ended up jotting down some quotes because it was so what you would not see (or get away with) on any other TV channel!

The topic for debate was: A tribe's survival depends on a woman with balls.

Starting right there, I knew I was in for something special. And as the leader of the affirmative team (is that what you call it? I can't rememeber) said, confirming all my hopes: "I believe for a woman to be strong she must have balls. I can prove women have balls."

The other team, on the other hand, had a few gems up their sleeves:

"Women are the hair on men's legs."

"I know of matriarchs with balls, and they're crafty, crafty."

"If women stood on my marae*, my balls would drop."

"Women, there is a place for you, in the kitchen, looking after the tamariki." No points for guessing what tamariki means.

"A woman is a queen, a man is a god."

"Without balls, we wouldn't be here."

And my personal favourite insult directed towards the affirmative team - "You're all drunkards."

Persuasive, right?!

cleaning can be fun

So, my bedroom has always been a bit of a pigsty, but even if it appears slightly tidy on the surface, underneath it is a surging muckheap of bad writing. Because in less than three weeks I am moving to Australia for five months, and because while I am gone it is quite likely my father will accomodate family (siblings, nephews, nieces) in my room, and because my family can be quite nosy - I am expunging my room of all potentially embarrassing elements.

Mostly, I have kept exercise books and papers and drawings and folders full of terrible stories I wrote from about ages ten through sixteen. It has been a revealing few days, and I am extremely happy that I did not die at age sixteen, with a lifework left behind me of terrible romances involving characters based on myself and my current favourite rock star/actor, Babysitter's Club fanfiction, and thinly veiled copies of other people's writing.

Today, however, I found something that I thought I would share. They are two very short stories that I and two friends wrote at school when we were bored - you know those stories where you only get to see a line of what the last person wrote? or where you are given one first sentence and have to see where it goes from there? This is the result:

No. 1: written in Classics, 2004, by Allie, Rebecca and Katie - only allowed to see the last line of what the previous person wrote:

Once upon a time when Tommy the Toad was skipping joyfully through the forest, admiring the pretty flowers and the tall trees, he stopped short and froze, dazzled at the sight before him. Through the trees, a goddess-like figure stood, tall, blonde and with an incredible inner radiance that seemed to shine from her very skin. Suddenly, in ethereal, heavenly tones she spoke to him. And as she did so, her heart was thumping and she felt as if every blood cell in her body were having a giant race to her head.
And she blushed. She couldn't help it. His eyes were so warm, so loving... She lowered hers bashfully. He found her irresistible. But then, summoning all of his willpower, he turned away from her. "I'm sorry, but you know as well as I do that this can never be." And ignoring her doleful stare, he continued to walk on through the forest.
She was lost. There was no denying it. The heavy boughs of the trees leaned in on her imposingly and the wind played tricks with the leaves. She continued walking in circles. She began to run in circles, screaming abuses at the sky. "Why? Why?!! WHY?!?!" she shrieked. "How could he do this to me? I feel so alone." And she sank down to her knees, tears plopping onto the forest floor.
The sultry maiden knew, in that moment, why it could never be, and although it nearly destroyed her inside, she accepted it, and remembered her magical goddess powers. With these powers, she would be able to get free of this awful jungle! She closed her eyes, formed two identical circles with her thumbs and forefingers, and felt her body depart from the earth. She was rising; rising above the tree-tops. She could feel the hot sun on her face as she hovered inches above the forest.
And suddenly Colin Firth appeared. "YAY!" she cried. "Now I can marry you!"
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm in love with Allie." And with that, he got on his horse, and rode off into the sunset.

No. 2: written in English class, 2004, by Allie, Rachel and Katie, with the first phrase, 'The crumpled paper fell to the floor'.

The crumpled paper fell to the floor. "It's terrible," said Joe, without a shadow of compassion. "Boring, average, lethargic, slow-moving... Don't even start again. Leave the paper on the floor, go home, ponder life if you must, but don't write anything else until you know how to write one mildly interesting sentence."
"I thought you'd be nice about it," said Matilda forlornly. "I was inspired to write that!"
"You asked me for my honest opinion, Matilda, and it sucks," said Joe, just as ruthlessly as before.
"Can you not even just show me a glimpse of hope for my future in writing? All you ever do, Joe, is run me down and it creates in me such a feeling of worthlessness," Matilda replied in between sobs.
"I'm sorry, but you have no future in writing."
"I do!" screamed Matilda, picking up the crumpled paper off the floor, and chucking it in his face.
Joe's temper, never good even at the best of times, snapped. In a complete rage, he picked up the closest thing to hand, a phone, and smashed it with alarming force onto Matilda's skull. She dropped like a dead weight, and Joe followed her, dropping to his knees.
"Oh crap. What have I done?" he moaned in anguish.
In that moment of rage Joe had done something he should have never. Anyway he was the teacher, the adult, the older one, and the more mature one he should have been. But no he had destroyed his reputation in that single incident. Matilda is dead. Joe is left unemployed and with a scar on his conscience which will never fade.

There were a few other stories my friend Sarah and I used to write in History in 2002, but they are just so dirty that I'm not particularly eager to share them with the world!

Just a quick note: I've put an urgent prayer request on my other blog, which you can find here, because I think it's more suited to my God blog than this one and I don't want to push prayer requests on non-Christian readers. But please, if you do pray and if you want to, have a look at it and lend it some of your time.

hooray for lots of things

Firstly, hooray for tags! Thanks, Lynette!

1 Where is your cell phone? hidden
2 Relationship? invisible
3 Your hair? dry
4 Work? absent
5 Your sisters? cool!
6 Your favorite things? music
7 Your dream last night? decongestant
8 Your favorite drink? milk
9 Your dream car? Mini
10 The room you're in? cold
11 Your shoes? muddy
12 Your fears? childcare
13 What do you want to be in 10 years? author
14 Who did you hang out with this weekend? Christians
15 What are you not good at? soccer
16 Muffins? savoury
17 Wish-list item? genius
18 Where you grew up? Aotearoa
19 The last thing you did? exam
20 What are you wearing? slippers
21 What are you not wearing? braces
22 Your pet? kaput
23 Your computer? slow
24 Your life? confusing
25 Your mood? sick
26 Missing? Mum
27 What are you thinking about? travelling
28 Your car? sluggish
29 Your kitchen? scented
30 Your summer? late
31 Your favorite color? green
32 Last time you laughed? movie
33 Last time you cried? movie
34 School? over!
35 Love? piano
36 Tag? anyone

Secondly, I sat my last exam this morning, and I have officially finished my BA! If I didn't have my horrendous triannual cold, I would be celebrating. Of course, I'm coming back for Honours. And I haven't got my marks or a certificate yet so of course, theoretically, I don't have my BA. But it seems like a bit of a milestone to finish all the work I'll ever have to do for my first degree :)

Thirdly, Sara has posted one of the coolest short stories I have ever read. Totally made my day.

Fourthly, we had roast lamb and roast vegetables for dinner. Mmmmm! That just makes the fact that it is the shortest day of the year (and freezing cold) so much more bearable.

exaaaaaams

I write exaaaaaams with six 'a's because they seem like they are going on forever, whereas in reality I have only been studying for a week. I had my first exam today, on Twentieth Century Drama. It was open book, which isn't as much of a cop-out as it may sound, because the lecturer expected much better quality, and we didn't have much time to flick through our notes for ideas! I ended up planning a whole lot of possible essays and bringing them into the exam, which worked pretty well in the end. Or so I hope. I have one more exam on Friday, for history, which is scary. But, hopefully, do-able.

Just so you know how dedicated I am to academia and studying for exams, on Saturday I went to Hanmer Springs. I co-lead a small group within a Christian group at my university called the Navigators, and since I'm leaving soon, as well as two American exchange students in our group, we decided we had to have our annual Navs trip to Hanmer. Hanmer is like the little almost-mountain resort that Christchurch-dwellers flock to in the weekends, because it has some almost-natural hot springs there that are really rather nice. You would think it would be a lovely, relaxing day, then - but I spent it getting up altogether too early, driving for two hours, climbing a stupid hill because everyone else in the group is a fitness freak (see photo of the bottom of the hill, when I was still cheerful enough to take photos), getting soaking wet in the rain and freezing cold and mud, soaking in the pools which is always lovely, except when you decide to change pools and have to scurry round with barely anything on in a temperature that is some degrees below zero. Then I had to drive two hours back into Christchurch, except it took way longer because there was a crash on the northern motorway which meant we had to take a detour that lasted an extra 45 minutes. (I have learnt my lesson from Sara's recent post and I did not complain, because sadly a young man died - but I did wish it didn't have to happen because by then I was developing a migraine, and had to be at a 21st birthday barndance - which was very cool - ten minutes before the detour.)

Highlights:

- the pools

- the people

- trying a beer called Monteith's Radler at the pools cafe that I actually liked! Go me!

Anyway, I'm not too sure what I'm trying to say in this post. My brain has been slowly frying the last few weeks and it is high time for end of semester. I just feel like whinging.

Speaking of whinging, isn't J. K. Rowling's name for the Dursleys' burb fantastic? Little Whinging. That is one of the coolest made-up placenames ever. Has anyone else got some good 'uns?

Hooray for Harry Potter! Three years ago I was counting the days until the next one came out, which just about indicates my lessening obsession with it, but I could never not be excited about a new Harry Potter book. It must be about a month away now - by which time I will be living in Perth, Australia. Weird.

the perfect man

I've decided to write myself a list of attributes that I would want in a boyfriend, as a reference, just in case I meet someone who is totally unsuitable for the role and yet is tempting in some weird way (which tends to be the pattern so far). This seems like such a girly thing to do and I sometimes feel silly being girly but I have decided I need to overcome my fear and write me a list!

Crucials: (in no particular order)

- Communication. There is no way I can be with someone that I'm unable to talk about most things openly with.

- Similar tastes. This doesn't mean he has to love Jane Austen and classical music (or my other interests), but it does mean he has to be able to tolerate them, preferably to enjoy them, and perhaps, every now and then, to say something intelligent about them. We would also have to enjoy ourselves in compatible ways; for example, I hate dancing and I don't like alcohol so it's not like I would put up with going clubbing every weekend.

- Capable of considered thinking. No doubt this is an elitist and snobbish thing to say, but he does have to have some education, or at least a natural intelligence. I don't like people who don't have reasons for why they think something, or who can't articulate those reasons. It's also probably unfeminist to admit this, but it's true - I don't think I could have a long-term relationship with someone whose mind I didn't respect. I would actually like to go out with someone who is smarter than me. All the same, they must enjoy lowbrow things and not make me feel anti-intellectual for watching a chick flick or reading an Agatha Christie/Georgette Heyer novel.

- Sense of humour. This is important. They must laugh at similar things to me. Even if my sense of humour sucks, I would prefer to share it with someone whose humour equally sucks than a comedic giant.

- Nice. As Bridget Jones would say, no 'alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional f***wits or freeloaders, perverts'. That is a much more detailed list than the one in my head, but I would hope that a boy I would go out with would not be racist or sexist or just mean to certain people.

- Christian. Last year I met someone who seemed perfect... except that he wasn't a Christian (and he was moving back to the States in a few weeks so it couldn't have worked anyway). I thought then that perhaps a shared belief wasn't so important. I still think it's not exactly a black and white issue - but I think for me PERSONALLY (the crucial word) a shared belief would be very, very important. I've had a couple of Christian friends who started going out with non-Christians, which was fine at first, but then as it got more serious, there was all this agonising involved that I would really like to spare myself.

- Attractiveness. I purposefully avoided the word 'good-looking' here because there are some men who could actually be described as ugly but are totally attractive. All I require is to not feel repulsed at the thought of touching them. On the other hand, I don't want someone who looks like a demigod because that would make me totally insecure and neurotic.

- Liked by my family. I cannot imagine dating someone my siblings hated or couldn't get along with. Because we are all very close, it would just seem so weird.

Important but I'm willing to compromise:

- Height and build. Because I'm a tall girl, I really don't want to go out with someone noticeably shorter than me. It just seems awkward to me. Likewise, I don't want to go out with a stick insect or I will feel like an elephant.

- Not completely opposed to children. If I liked the guy enough, this would not be the be-all-and-end-all; after all, I've got lots of nieces and nephews. But I think I would like to have kids one day and it would be nice if he could feel the same way if it got serious.

- Not overly sporty but likes the outdoors. I love travelling around and going on walks in the country and stuff... but by that I don't mean hardcore stuff. And if someone wanted me to do that with them - it would be a major turn-off.

- Ambition. I think this is probably the same of any woman - I don't want to go out with someone who is happy to spend his life working at McDonalds. I don't mean he has to want to earn millions or be famous or something. I just want someone who challenges themselves. On the other hand, too much ambition is definitely a bad thing. A friend used to go out with someone who had a plan to be a millionaire by the time they were thirty, which leads me on to my next point...

- Awareness of social responsibility. I don't want to be with someone who wants to store themselves up a little cache of riches, or who lives by the principle of 'who dies with the most toys wins'. I think it's a selfish and wrong attitude. I want to be with someone who is compassionate to people who are less fortunate or in trouble, and who wants to do something about it, and who can't justify living in a bubble.

Not very important but if it can be managed:

- British accent. :)

So there you have it. Let me know if you fill the criteria.

casting call

Well, Stacy was the only one to suggest any actors for the roles of Tamara, Bronson or Norm (see previous post), and I happen to agree with her - Orlando Bloom would make a fantastic Bronson. As long as he can do a really, really corny American accent, because, as we know, the good guys are always American. Doesn't he just look like the archetypal good-guy-activist/child of an alien abductee? My only concern is that he may not be able to muster up the strength to carry Tamara out of any caves that are about to explode.


I'm not too sure about the female lead yet, but Jennifer Connelly seems to visually suit the Tamara role. She'll have to speak in a British accent, of course, because all scientists who are about to do something potentially planet-threatening are British. It would be a plus if she could wear glasses, and have a hyphenated surname. And of course her hair will have to be back in a tight bun, until she falls in with Bronson. I'm thinking a traumatic experience in her past has made her dress severely and act unapproachable, but she is scrupulously fair to her goofy assistants. I was thinking Rachel Weisz for the role at first, but I actually quite like her, and I would not force her to star opposite Orlando Bloom for all the world.

I'm also pretty sure that Kris Marshall of Love Actually would make a fantastic Norm, the nerd assistant who in my alternate ending has always been in love with Tamara and sacrifices himself for her in the end. I mean, just look at him. How cute is he? Some glasses, stammering, a white lab coat, and some pimples wouldn't go astray onscreen, but Norm needs that little-English-boy vibe.

Now, I was also thinking we need a villain. Obviously, the ewillas are pretty villainous, but I think we need an evil cigar-smoking, vodka-swilling Russian scientist/millionaire (with KGB origins, of course) to play a part in it all. He could be the one who bankrolls the entire project, but with the original aim in mind of developing a species to help him take over the world. At some point, Tamara will slap him, after which his thugs will grab her, twisting her arms behind her back, and she will cry helplessly, "Bronson! Help me!" Bronson will respond by clenching his fists and shouting "You brute!" at the villain, who will then launch himself into a monologue. Any suggestions for the villain's name and the actor who should play him? And what of his obligatory vile little habit? (ie, drinking vodka from skulls, or having an eye that bleeds like the villain in Casino Royale?) And how can he be killed?

My Great Idea

I have had The Idea! (being the idea that makes me a few million dollars) Yesterday someone told me about this big scientific project on the French-Swiss border. Basically, a whole lot of scientists who have too much money to spend (it has cost eight billion so far) have built a huge underground circular track. When it is finished they are going to get two protons going in the opposite direction, speed them up as close as possible to the speed of light, and finally get them to crash. The idea is that this will cause a sort of mini Big Bang and they'll be able to study the effects of it to see what happened at the beginning of the world.

Okay, so that's in very unscientific language and it's probably better, if you're really interested in the actual science, to follow the link above and see how the Boston Globe puts it. But for my purposes, the basics are all that's important, because I have found the perfect concept for a sci-fi movie! My first thought was maybe that the mini Big Bang could turn out to be actually a very big Big Bang and destroy the planet, but that doesn't allow for much action, so instead, this is what will happen:

A very beautiful but independent female scientist called Tamara will be heading this operation, with the aid of a lot of goofy sidekicks in white coats. There will be a handsome activist called Bronson protesting that the experiment can only lead to catastrophe, but she will ignore him and forge ahead with the plan, buried in the mountains below, as the article says, "bucolic countryside of dairy farms and rustic villages set against the snow-capped Alps". Unfortunately, when the two protons collide, there will be an actual Big Bang as there was at the beginning of our world, and this will create life - but the life of an evil organism hostile to man and greedy for power. Say, a cross between Godzilla and ewoks in appearance. As the ewillas set about destroying the pretty little Swiss farms and killing milkmaids, Tamara will discover that only Bronson has the skills to turn back time and rid the world of ewillas (this is easily explained, his father was a mad scientist or an alien abductee or something) and they will join forces to fight back. Fighting back will involve several near death experiences in which Tamara's clothing will have to be soaked and Bronson will have to carry her out of a cave or something just as a bomb is going off. There will be some very inappropriate moment, ie just as the ewillas are about to blow Bronson up, when Bronson and Tamara's eyes will meet and they will fall in love. Finally, just as the ewillas are ten seconds away from destroying humanity, Tamara will have a brainwave, and reverse the 2nd Big Bang by throwing protons at the ewillas - but in doing so, she will sacrifice herself, leaving Bronson heartbroken, sobbing over her body.

Edit (12 June): Or, here's an alternative ending. One of the goofy sidekicks, Norm, will turn out to be in love with Tamara. He will grab the protons off her at the end and sacrifice himself instead of her, so Bronson and Tamara can get married and have lots of babies. But at the very end, as Bronson and Tamara walk happily down a Swiss village street holding an infant, and preferably walking a dog, the audience will see an ewilla who escaped Norm's attack following them with a nasty expression on its face (that is, if ewillas have faces) - thereby creating the possibility of a sequel!

Okay, so perhaps the ending needs some work by someone who actually knows something about science - but the basics are there!

So, please contact my agent for information about how you too can be a part of certain blockbuster success. I accept all major credit cards. Oh, and here's my question for you - who should play Tamara, Bronson and Norm???

meme

Thank you, Stacy, for the latest meme/tag/interview/whatever they're called - although I understand she stole it off someone else!!

1. Go back to first or early post. How would you describe your voice back in those early days? Who were you writing to? What was your sense of audience (if any) back then?

My voice, back in the day (2004)? In one word: immature. I quote: "I finished school about a month ago FOREVER and my friends and I met up at a SERIOUS cafe today. I felt very grown-up." Ahhh, to think of the days when I capitalised everything. Now I am much more mature, I italicise things instead. I also listed all the presents I got for Christmas, and what I got for my family - definitely a mark of a younger Allie, I think.
Likewise, I was much more obsessed with U2 and Jane Austen than I am now!
And... sadly... I was rather preachy.
Although overall I wasn't terrible. Just a bit boring.

I'm not sure who exactly I was writing to. I used to talk a lot about The Spirit Of The Internet back then - basically because no one read my blog! I didn't tell anyone about it, I didn't know anyone who had a blog, and I was too lazy to search out other blogs. I had, basically, absolutely no sense of audience - but I don't think I minded too much at first, because it meant I could write whatever I wanted. But after a while, it began to really grate on me that no one read it... more on this next question.

2. Do you remember when you received your first comment?

My first ever comment was a junk one. Depressing. As I said before, I didn't mind too much at first - but then when I was going through the hardest time of my life, back in 2005, I would pour out my heart on my blog, and the only response I would get would be "Great blog! Come look at my cheap deals on Viagra" and that was super-depressing.

My first real comment (as far as I can remember) was when I started searching through random blogs, and I found this great photo blog. I left a comment saying he'd inspired me to start posting my own photos, and he came and left a really nice comment on my blog. Soon later, a visitor to his blog came to mine, and she became a regular for a long time (that's Patty of Green Tea Obsession).

3. Can you point to a stage where you began to feel that your blog might be part of a conversation? Where you might be part of a larger community of interacting writers?

Yes - this started when Stacy started blogging, funnily enough! (Thanks Stacy) Because I knew Stacy already, through our online critiquing group, it was natural to visit her blog a lot, and somehow, slowly, I got connected with a whole lot of people who visited her blog or whose blogs she visited.

Before this, I'd had a few people visiting my blog fairly regularly, such as Patty, or slskenyon, but these were nearly all isolated from each other, so it wasn't nearly so interesting. But now it is very very fun! And I feel like I have friends all over the world! I also love how this 'community' of bloggers passes around the same memes and we can all check out each others' answers. :)

4. Do you think that this sense of audience or community might have affected the way you began to write?

Definitely. Once I knew there were people actually reading my blog, I was much more careful about trying to write things that were actually interesting. Ie, I had to stop writing things like 'I'm bored and I can't think of anything to do so I'm writing on my blog'. Sometimes I still do that... but only once a month.

I was also a lot more careful about sharing religious opinions. As it happens, most of the people who read my blog are Christians, anyway. But I felt like this blog should be a neutral sort of place, although as you've probably noticed I don't necessarily hide my beliefs. So when I got sick of this, I created another blog, God is Nice, and I write on there whenever I feel the urge to splurge my current ideas on/experiences of God.

Stacy in her version of this meme mentioned that she didn't mind her family reading this but not other acquaintances. I feel the opposite, really. I've never given my blog address to mere acquaintances, but I don't mind giving it to close friends, whom I wouldn't feel the need to gripe about. Whereas I'm not so thrilled when I know that a member of my family has read it. I don't know why, but if I'm going through something that has ripped me apart, I'd rather I told them myself than they had to read it on here. Again, I don't usually do so, because - again - this blog feels, to me, like it should be neutral and relatively carefree. So to get away from this problem, I made another blog called Another Grief Observed, on which I could vent on a particular issue whenever I wanted to, and for a long time I didn't leave a link to it on this blog or on my profile.

It's definitely worked really well for me having a number of blogs. Even if I'm having a crappy day, I can come on here and make fun of it. But I can be as dieaway and miserable on another or as new agey on yet another as I want. Even when I'm really busy I love blogging; it really helps me to relax, for some reason.

vanity?

Jenkneebee worried that this was a vain thing to do... and yes, I do feel like I have reverted to age fourteen - but it does not massage ones vanity to be told that one looks 70-something percent like David Hasselhoff, or to be told on another attempt that there is only one woman in the world who you could pass for, compared to nine men! Luckily, they were only two of my attempts at this fun game. First up, my five-year-old self (and even if I, according to this, do look like George Clooney, at least he's a very sweet small boy):

http://www.myheritage.com

And me, now! This is the most flattering of my attempts - imagine, only one man!

http://www.myheritage.com